Rob Bell Fixes Calvinism

Right, so I did all those posts on "Love Wins" before it came out and then just one short one when I got it and then I never got around to giving my final impressions on it.  Not that anyone asked...

I'm sure that by now you can find all kinds of reviews of the book online both positive and negative so I'm not going to do a review.  The book was interesting and well written but not quite what I expected.  Not that I'm all that sure exactly what I expected.  Rob came out both for and against orthodox Christian theology.  Simultaneously.  In short, Rob Bell fixed Calvinism.

See, Calvinists say that God is the omnipotent, omniscient King of the Universe.  Therefore it's impossible for Him to fail - to even suggest that people go to Hell because God failed to save their souls would be blasphemous.  Therefore, people only go to Hell because God ordained ahead of time that they were meant to go there.  Thereby, the Majesty of God remains unblemished because everything happened exactly the way He wanted it to all along.  This is why Calvinism always left me with a bad taste in my mouth.

Rob took the same concept and turned it around.  He pointed out that salvation, Heaven, Hell (and how you end up there) is nowhere near as neat and formulaic in the Bible as Christian theology suggests.  (Fun fact - he uses the Bible to prove it! )  He tackles the unblemished Majesty of God slightly differently than the Calvinists.  Simply put, God wants to save the world and therefore God will find a way to save the world.  This means everyone.  Even the bad ones.  If it takes you some time in Hell to be cured of your evil then so be it but in the end, Love/God wins out and everyone is reconciled with Him.  Not that he suggests Hell is more like Catholic Purgatory.  In fact, he mused that Heaven and Hell may even be the same place.  For if Heaven treats all races with love and respect then that Heaven would be Hell to a racist for instance, or if everyone shares freely then it would be Hell for the selfish and so on.  Anyway, point is that you don't just die and end up either immediately perfect or eternally damned.  Everyone gets sanctified over time until they are able to fit into Heaven's way of doing things.  So really just like the Calvinist, Rob believes that God is the omnipotent, omniscient King of the Universe.  This God so loved the world that He sent His only begotten Son to save it and this God cannot fail since He is the omnipotent, omniscient King of the Universe - eventually then He saves everyone and to suggest otherwise would be blasphemous.  That's a taste I can live with.

Is he right?  I don't know, but I hope so.  Having a God that actually turns out to be benevolent and good at the end of the day is really good news.  I can totally see why so many people were upset with this book though!  Lots of believers aren't that happy with the Gospel being good news.  It was that way even in Jesus' day...  

Amazing Ancient Herbal Wisdom!

Usually I don't like to put ads on my blog but I think maybe this time I'll make an exception.  I was sitting at a sidewalk cafe in Johannesburg on Saturday when someone gave me this flyer.  I admit that I've always been baffled why people still flock to sangomas (witchdoctors to you ignoramuses out there) and herbalists when we have good, scientific, evidence-based medicine readily available to all.  Well suffice it to say, I get it now.  Surely no "doctor" with their "medicine" and "science" can offer you half of what these folks can offer you with their magic spells and herbs!

 

Can your doctor make sure you win in the casino while making you a well endowed sexual dynamo?  Didn't think so!

FAQ's by Random Googlers

Usually, when I write a blog post, I try to to offer something meaningful.  Granted, it doesn't always work and my posts may not always come out as thought provoking as I may have hoped, but still.  I like to imagine that every now and again someone coming to this blog finds the very info they were looking for, especially if it's something they were searching for specifically - as opposed to those who arrive here hunting for LOLcats.  Hopefully at least someone out there finds some of the things I post in some way helpful.  However when I look check out the search engine queries that lead people here I have to admit that some visitors had to come away deeply disappointed.  I have empathy there, I really do.  I know exactly what it feels like to go googling for something and find that the helpful search results are really not that helpful (especially those sites that just feature a fuckton of keywords to generate traffic but offer nothing;  I hate those guys with the burning fire of a thousand suns!)  In my recent quest to learn what the heck a "dirty party" is (still unsuccessful I may add) I learned all about the disappointment of finding a promising link on google only to find the opposite of what you were looking for.  So, I'm going to be helpful! 

Here are some of the stranger google searches that led people to my blog.  Don't worry, I'm not going to make fun of you!  Instead, I'm going to try and help you.  You came all the way here with your really weird search and I'm going to do my best to not send you away empty handed.  Empty headed?  What's the right term here?  Anyway, in alphabetical order:


80s church waiting rooms
Right...  OK, look I've been in a lot of churches in the past 30 years but I'm pretty sure none of them had waiting rooms, not even in the 80's.  Why would they?  It's not like a hospital.  I mean even at churches where the pastor also does counseling, there usually isn't a waiting room.  People just show up for their appointments or the pastor goes to see the bereaved.  Sorry, I'm not going to be any help here at all, I have no idea what you're talking about.  But if anyone out there knows anything about church waiting rooms, especially from the 80's, be a good neighbour and post something in the comments.  OK, that wasn't a very strong start...


Albino people porn
Stop.  Just stop.  There is no such thing as albino porn.  All you will ever find when looking for it is a) people like me telling you there's no such thing and b) other people like you also looking for it but not finding it.  So really all you'll be left with is a really embarrassing term in your search history - you google keeps those right?

Can demons make you scratch yourself?
Well that would depend entirely on who you ask.  I'd say no.  Lot's of people out there would be happy to blame every single ailment on demons - from cancer to ingrown toenails - but that's really a ridiculous belief to have in this day and age.  It's understandable why people in a pre-scientific era thought that diseases came from demons (actually in Biblical times they thought it was unclean spirits, there's a difference) since it's not like they had the equipment to find germs.  But these days we know exactly how disease works so if you have a problem go see a doctor, not an exorcist.  If someone is compulsively scratching themselves they may be suffering from Dermatillomania and they need help, not holy water.  There are plenty of natural causes for both physical and mental illnesses so no supernatural explanations are needed.  Seriously, go see a doctor.


Christian pornography
I'm sorry, you're looking for what??!  Pretty sure that's not a thing!  Don't let XXXChurch fool you, they are an anti-porn ministry.  Yes, I know, their name is a little deceiving.  That's how they sucker you in.  Look, it's an open secret that Christians looove their porn BUT they do so in secret.  No Christian ever publicly admits to liking porn unless they are giving their testimony about Jesus saved them from their porn addiction.  It's an unwritten rule.  Which I just wrote.  Anyway, my point is that you will never find Christian themed porn unless it was made as a parody by non Christians.  Mind you, I have a friend who is an engineer who refers to new part and tool manuals as "engineering porn" - did you mean it in that sense?  Because I guess you could call a Bible Commentary "christian porn" in that sense but you are going to get a lot of funny looks for it if you do.  Probably also a visit from your minister. 

Hitler three fingers
Pretty sure Hitler had all his fingers.  Were you looking for Claus von Sauffenberg, the three fingered Nazi who tried to assassinate Hitler?  Only other connection between Hitler and three fingers I know of would be the three finger salute Neo Nazis use in Germany since the original Nazi salute is illegal there now.  If you want to know Hitler's views on "the shocker" then I'm afraid I can't help you.

Hitler with dachshund
It's not impossible that Hitler was around a dachshund at some point but he was really more of a German Shepherd guy.  He owned German Shepherds from his youth right up until his dog Blondi died with him in his bunker.  Hitler's personal dog handler, Fritz Tornow did however own a dachshund and they were in the bunker together.  Best connection I can come up with, hope that helped.

Is the group Abba gay??
No, they're not.  They are very popular in some gay circles but the band itself is not.  Chalk that one up to gay people having great taste in music!  ABBA consisted of  two married couples (for a while at least).  The guys didn't wear makeup and tights.  They may have been the most hetero band of the 70's!  Their songs were also all about the joys of man on woman loving - see my blog post on the subject for more.

Lady Gaga Man Proof
For the last effing time, Lady Gaga is not a man!  Seriously, how is this even still a thing?  It's not like she just popped into existence in 2008 ex nihilo after all (though she did hatch from an egg at the Grammy's this year).  Her pre-fame existence is rather well documented and a simple google search will find you lots of proof that she's been female all her life

Well, all her life minus the 2011 VMA's...

Her Wikipedia page has a picture of her and Lady Starlight from their performance art show at Lollapalooza in 2007.  I posted a video of her preforming earlier than that as a university student and if you poke around youtube you'll find plenty of footage of her back when she was still preforming as Stefani Germanotta.  Heck you can even find videos from her early teens when she did some acting, most notably the time she was an extra in The Sopranos at age 15.  But if reason and logic isn't enough for you then here is the conclusive proof that Lady Gaga is a woman.  It's seriously NSFW though so be careful when you click on that link!


Mars hill demon trials
I should probably ask you which Mars Hill you are referring to.  Pretty sure there were never any demon trials at the original Mars Hill in classical Athens (or for that matter in Mars Hill, Maine or Mars Hill, North Carolina), at least as far as I could check.  The Mars Hill church in Michigan, pastored by Rob Bell, seems like an extremely unlikely place for demon trials as well since they always seem far more concerned with dealing with evil in the temporal instead of the spiritual.  Mark Driscoll's Mars Hill church on the other hand seems like the right kind of place for it.  Mark is after all a vocal defender of the notion of a real and present Satan - and demons - and he seems just macho enough to stage a trail.  Unless you meant "trial" not in the legal sense but rather in the "trials and tribulations" sense.  Not sure if this will help but Pastor Driscoll did do a series called "Trial" (available as audio downloads here).  Nothing there seemed overtly about demons but then I didn't really listen to it so who knows?

Retarded Jesus
WTF?!  Really?  OK, no - just no.  You can say a lot of things about Jesus but He was by no means retarded.  I certainly never used those words (until just now) so no idea how you ended up here!  Did you meant this or this?  Not sure how either of those things would have landed you on my blog though.

Yoga to make you poop
Have you tried fibre?  Just kidding, I looked it up, there really is such a thing.  For best results, rather google "Yoga for healthy bowel system" next time, you're bound to find far more useful websites (on that matter at least) than mine!  But seriously, try fiber.

Ray Comfort loves dead babies and money

Let's say you found a way to end crime and violence forever.  Doesn't require years of training or weapons or equipment.  Instead you've found some magic words that if you say it to any criminal they will immediately abandon their unlawful conduct and walk the straight and narrow for the rest of their lives.  Again, it takes no training, once you know what the words are you can turn anyone away from a life of crime in a matter of seconds.

Or what if you knew a way to end drug addiction, any addiction to any drug in fact.  Again, all you need are some magical words, so no clinics, no medicine, no detox or anything like it.  You say these words to a junkie and they will never touch drugs ever again.  What if you were an animal rights activist and you learned some a magical argument that is guaranteed to turn the most dedicated meat lover into a vegan immediately?  What if you were a pacifist who found a simple argument that will cause someone to never hurt another human being ever again?

What would you do?  Think about that for a second.

Now I don't have any strong opinions on abortion but I know that conservative Christians most certainly are very strongly Pro-Life.  So what if you were a conservative Christian and you actually found a near magical argument against abortion, much like what I've described in the hypotheticals above?  That would be the best thing ever right?  Well turns out that someone did just that.  Here is Ray Comfort, (sort of) showing his magical words:



Amazing right?  It's exactly as I described: no training and no equipment needed, just a few magical words and a Pro-Choice person becomes a Pro-Lifer for life.  Best of all, it takes but seconds.

So back to my question.  You are passionate about a cause.  You find an argument that works like actual magic that anyone can learn to use in a minute and can then go on and apply in under a minute.  What do you do?  Well I know what I would do if for instance I could stop say crime and violence like that.  I would post it on youtube, email all my friends, blog about it and then just sit back and watch the internet machine turn it viral.  It would take me less than an hour to get the word out and internet being what it is, word would spread like wildfire.  Within weeks the world would be a completely different place.  Within a month or so, crime would be something you only rad about in history books.  Sure I could hold out on people and ask them to pay me first but why would I do that?  Millions of lives would be lost while I wait to get my beak wet!  That would kind of make me a sociopathic dick, now wouldn't it?  Plenty of time to make myself some money after I saved the world after all!  But maybe that's just me.  Here is what Ray Comfort did:



See he has this magical argument and he will tell you what it is.  For free!  Eventually.  First, he would like some donations to market the thing.  Marketing, really?  Why is that needed at all?  If this magical argument works as advertised he just needs to put it on youtube and notify some churches and Pro-life ministries.  Just from word of mouth (which is free btw) every Pro-Lifer in the country would know how to convince every Pro-Choicer they encounter into a fellow abortion abolitionist.  Sure, Way of the Master wouldn't make a lot of money out of it but think of all the babies!  They plan to launch the movie in 26 days from now.  According to the CDC, about 800 000 abortions happen every year so that means about 60 000 babies will be aborted in the waiting period!  The US - if not the world - could be Pro-Life in 26 days if this gets out!  Why wait?  Why have a whole documentary if a 30 second argument is all you need?  And why ask for money for a marketing appeal when you have a product that is bound to go viral all by itself?

I could be wrong but it kind of seems as if Mr Comfort and/or his argument may not be what you call "good".

It's Springtime! It's Orgytime!!

[Since it's officially Spring Day in South Africa today I dug up something I wrote back in 2007 when I tried my hand at blogging via Facebook Notes.  Since Jackie the Suicide Dachshund and the local cats are still at it, it just seemed appropriate.  ]

Suicide Dachshund taking a moment to get her Zen on before a big night of cat "chasing"

Well folks, it’s that time of year. Spring has sprung and its already on my bad side. To be fair, spring was never on my good side to start with. I am a winter person and I make no apologies for it. The thing is, most of Spring’s redeeming features lie in its days (Pretty girls in short skirts mostly*. Oh and the flowers… Yes right, let’s remember the flowers too…). On the other hand, my main beef with spring (and summer) are its nights. Night time during winter is a magical time. You have big warm dinners full of slow cooked goodness, snuggle in front of the heater with hot chocolate or brandy (or both!) before you take a long warm bath and go to sleep in a heavenly cocoon of snugness like a hibernating bear. Wintertime is what sleep was designed for! Words cannot begin to describe the wonder of lying snug under your blankets while the winter wind weeps around the house. What sleep! What dreams!

Now springtime is something else entirely. Sure, you take your 5th shower of the day just before you go to bed, but it’s still so hot that you end up sticky and smelly by the time you hit the covers. Then it takes forever to get comfy because every position is uncomfortable, nothing can touch you because it’s so hot and no matter how many times you turn your pillow around, the cool side never stays cool for long. During the night your sleep is constantly interrupted by two things: all the bugs that have returned after sweet winter sent them to their grave as well as by you constantly berating yourself for settling for a fan when your stingy ass should have just shelled out the extra R3000 for an aircon!

But is that the worst part? Noooooo, not even close! And I’m not even referring to the too soon too hot mornings that make sleeping late a distant memory, no I’m referring to the horrible fact that spring is mating season! Mating season – of all of spring’s many facets I hate that one the most! Is it because all the coupling & mating energy drives happy single people to suicide? Well yes, that too. But mostly because every cat in the whole damn neighbourhood wakes up at 3 am to find their biological clocks ticking at which point they all congregate in my backyard for the mother of all cat orgies!

Cats seem to be nature’s noisiest lovers. (If there are noisier mating rituals out there, I beg you leave me in my ignorance and for heavens sake, keep it away from my back yard!) Honestly has anyone listened to them going at it lately? It doesn’t sound like they are having a good time. Hell it doesn’t even sound like they are comfortable! Are they even doing it right?? I mean I’ve heard that cats aren’t the smartest of creatures, but COME ON!!

Pictured: Cat Brothel

Of course the reason it all happens in MY backyard is because this is also the home of the world’s dumbest Dachshund. Then again, maybe she is the worlds most Zen Dachshund, I’m still trying to figure this out… See, its not that she doesn’t chase cats. No, rather for her its more about the chase, not so much the cat. She’ll chase but by now the cats have learned that they don’t really need to run. They can sit still, she will do all the chasing and running whether they take part or not. Round and round she will go, cat or no cat. Its all about the journey for her, not so much about actually “catching” anything. Stupid Zen dog has turned my backyard into a… well um, oh hell, lets admit it – a cathouse! For cats!! And thanks to her antics, this is a cat bordello with a dog show…

Oh, and as an added bonus the neighbours added a spotlight. "So what?" you say. Well every time a cat jumps onto the wall in front of the spotlight, he/she gets projected way larger than life on my curtains. I’m enough of a man to admit that the first time I awoke to see a puma jump on my windowsill I nearly crapped myself!

Can’t wait for winter to come back!!

Winter = Awesome

*Of course you will also see other girls in teeny outfits - girls who really, REALLY shouldn’t be in those teeny outfits… But I’m blocking that mental picture.

Uncle Arthur Lies About Science

When I saw a hilariously terrible bit of scientific misinformation called "Did Charlie make a monkey out of you?" over on Scotteriology, it reminded me of my very first encounter with the Theory of Evolution.  When I was a wee toddler my parents used to read to me from a delightfully traumatizing series called "Oom Attie se Slaaptyd-stories" (better known to the rest of the world as "Uncle Arthur's Bedtime Stories") by the Seventh Day Adventist author Arthur S Maxwell.  To say that this left me with a slightly incorrect impression of what evolution actually claimed would be a massive understatement.  I remember that even as a five year old, I was stunned that people could believe something as utterly ridiculous as evolution!  Since teaching evolution was a taboo under the state run Christian National Education in the Old South Africa I was a committed young earth creationists until deep into my grownup years.  In my defense though, I went all those years hearing only the version of the Theory of Evolution as told by Christian Apologists - so really I had no idea what evolution was really all about.  To may shame it took me almost three decades before I actually bothered to look it up for myself and found out what science actually had to say without the filter of fundamentalist Christianity blocking my reception. 

So for nostalgia's sake I decided to dig up the story and read it again.  I have to say, it was worse than I remembered!  When it comes to accurately portraying the theory of evolution, Uncle Arthur makes Kent Hovind look like Richard Dawkins!  I can't describe to you just how incredibly dishonest it is because if I tried you would think I'm making things up.  So instead I decided to just post the entire story right here.  Now I admit I'm not up to speed on copyright law but I'm fairly certain one is allowed to post someone else's work provided you cite it properly and don't claim it as your own.  If I'm wrong about that, please do correct me.  Also, since I only have the Afrikaans copy of the story and was unable to find the original English online I had to translate it myself.  So then what follows is not the original words of Arthur S Maxwell but rather the Afrikaans translation by C. van der M. van Wyk translated back into English by me.  The original story ('n Storie Wat Nie Waar Is Nie) appears on page 71 - 75 of book 5 of the Bedtime stories series.  Sit down when reading this, don't drink anything that will burn your sinus cavities if you snort it by accident or ruin your computer if you spit it.  I promise that I translated this as accurately and as close to the original text as possible, keeping the grammar, punctuation and sentence structure as far as possible.  It may appear at times that I tweaked it to make it sound more ridiculous but I assure you I took no such liberties - this is the exact story I heard as a child. 

BTW, if anyone can get me the original text of this story I would very much appreciate it!

Not even kidding!

"A story that isn’t true
copyright Arthur S Maxwell

I don’t mean that my story isn’t true.  On the contrary, it’s very reliable.  See, I know the boy who told it to me, and he wouldn’t tell a lie to save his life.  I’m going to call him “David” to protect his true identity.

David came back from school one day and told his dad the story he heard that day.  It went like this:

In the history class the teacher wanted to tell start right from the very beginning of things and so he told this funny little story.  He said that life on earth began as a little bit of slime in the ocean.  This bit of slime grew and grew and eventually broke up into little pieces.  One piece decided to become a fish, another piece a plant, and another crawled out on land and decided to become a worm.

From this first fish, first plant and first worm came all other fishes, plants and animals.  At least that’s what the teacher said.  Then he tried to follow the history of the worm until, billions and billions of years later, it became an animal with legs!  How ridiculous!  This worm, he said, started crawling until he grew a wart on his belly.  This wart later became a leg.  Some worms got four warts and so grew four legs.  Others got many warts and they turned into centipedes.

Animals got eyes, he said, because the light of the sun shone on them.  The sun burned a freckle on them and the freckle later became an eye.

Then as millions of years went by, some of the worms whose warts became legs turned into dogs, some into cats, some into leopards and lions and tigers and giraffes and so on.  The teacher then told them that one group of worms later developed arms and legs and became monkeys.  The most advanced of the monkeys were playing with sticks one day.  By chance they happened to rub the sticks together and made a spark.  That is how they learned to make fire and the warmth of the fire caused their hair to fall out and they became people.

So then, this is the story that David’s teacher told him that day.  It’s a story that is told to children the world over.  But, it is not a true story.  Do not believe it!

It’s not true, because God tells us in the Bible that He made all things.  They didn’t “evolve” over millions and billions of years from a speck of slime in the ocean.  He made everything Himself through His wisdom and Omnipotence.  We read in the Psalms:  “By the Word of the LORD the heavens were made, their starry host by the breath of His mouth. … For He spoke, and it came to be; He commanded, and it stood firm.” (Ps 33:6,9).  Regarding mankind we read:  “So God created mankind in His own Image, in the Image of God He created them; male and female He created them.” (Gen 1:27). 

See just how ridiculous this untrue story sounds that’s being told to so many boys and girls today?  If you just think about it you may just burst out laughing!  That first speck of slime in the ocean, who put it there?  Who made the sea so that it could grow there?  Who made the land upon which the first worm crawled when it became tired of the ocean?

And just think of all those poor worms with the warts under their bellies.  How did the warts form on just the right places so that legs could form on a spot where they would be useful?  And why didn’t they get more warts on their legs so they could stick out in all directions?

Sounds ridiculous doesn’t it?  And just think about those eyes!  Oh dear!  The sun shone on the freckle until an eye formed they say.  But why did the sun have to pick a freckle right next to the nose?  And then again another freckle right on the other side of the nose as well?  Why not a freckle on the back of his head, on one of his legs or maybe on his tail?  Why didn’t eyes grow all over the body?

Also, if it really was the light of the sun that changed the freckles into eyes, why didn’t it make them strong enough to look into the sun?  Why did these same sunbeams have to go and make eyelids to keep the light out?  Finally, what about those poor monkeys who supposedly changed into people.  They lost their hair because they invented fire and didn’t need hair to keep them warm?  No way!  Why didn’t they lose the hair on their heads as well then?  And why don’t cats lose their hair today if they sleep in front of the fireplace?  And why do monkeys in warm climates still have their hair?

No children, this story isn’t just untrue but it also sounds like nonsense.  It was thought up by people who didn’t love the Bible and tried to find a different explanation for the origins of things.  If you ask me I think their story is a thousand times harder to believe than the simple Biblical story of creation."

Have you ever in your life seen a strawman brutalized quite like this?  It's like Uncle Arthur is actually an Atheist missionary in disguise!  It would be pure genius actually, because if you want kids to realize that their religious leaders are lying to them/don't know what they are talking about/are ridiculously ignorant about things they claim to be knowledgeable about, then tell them a story as ridiculously false as this that can be easily demolished with but a handful of actual facts.  I can promise you, they will never trust their church again.

To be read ironically by adults, never seriously to children!

Heaven is so Surreal!

How do you know if someone drugged you?  As a kid I firmly believed that you knew that by checking the bottom of your cup for a dark gooey residue.  See there was this TV show I watched as a small child and that is always how they realised someone got drugged.  I wish I knew what show that was but that's really the only thing that stuck in my mind.  Plus it was the 80's and thanks to the Apartheid sanctions South African TV was a strange mixed bag of whatever old shows someone would sell us that got dubbed into Afrikaans so even if I remembered the title I doubt it would help much!  I suspect it may have been a German production from the 60's or 70's but I have no way of confirming that.  All I know is that if they suspected someone was drugged they checked the bottom of the mug or glass and boom - dark goopy residue.  Once someone snuck them some drugged milk and there was a gooey substance on the milk cap.  So for the longest time I assumed that all drugs (when slipped into drinks) left a gooey residue behind and I would always check after I drank something.  I had almost forgotten about that completely but then I saw this video:



At first I was like "He he he, this guy in the purple suit sure brings back memories from the movies the Pastor would sometimes show when I was a kid!" and then came those "heavenly reenactment" bits and I was like "Riiiiight, that is kinda weird and corny but it fits the genre I guess" but then the thing after 2:13 happened and I was like "WTF just happened?!?  Am I high?  Did someone slip me LSD without telling me?".  That was when I just had to check the bottom of my mug to be sure...

But no, that actually happened and you watched it happen.  And no, that wasn't satire or a Poe, that was 100% real.