Strange New Godview: Thug Jesus

Usually in this series on Godviews, I look at how someone acts or talks about God and then ask myself "so what does God look like to this guy?".  But not this time!  I didn't have to do any guessing because Pastor Mark Driscoll (from the other Mars Hill) pointed this out in so many words - his Jesus is a thug, a rapper, a badass mofo come to kick ass and chew bubblegum (and He's all out of bubblegum).  Behold:



Now Mark Driscoll is by no means the only one, this Godview is fast gaining popularity in certain churches.  Seems you can't throw a brick at a Men's Ministry without hitting a guy who is tired of the commonly held view that Jesus was some kind of pacifist wuss and would like very much to tell you how Jesus was in fact a super badass manly man!  See these guys know that the Church has a problem and they know how to fix it.


The problem?  The Church isn't the power player it used to be.  It doesn't call all the shots anymore, it doesn't get all the respect anymore and now people don't feel like they really have be there and give money all the time.  The reason for this?  Well duh, it's because there are too many women and not enough men!  Nevermind the fact that God and pretty much every major Biblical leader is male as well as the fact that leadership and ministry in most churches is almost exclusively male, the church is just not manly enough!  It's been feminized!  It turns men in to wusses!  Pew's are full of limp wristed "nice guys" with nary an MANLY MAN in sight!  Clearly this is the problem!  Churches have become too feminine!  And we all know that "feminine" is bad because it's weak and second best and if you don't agree you're probably queer!

How men are treated in church, basically.

So therefore the church needs to get into sports!  The church needs to get more warlike!  The time has come to kick out all that "turn the other cheek", "bless those who curse you" bullshit and get some MANLY damn sermons up in that bee-otch!  Stuff about MANLY MEN, like David and Moses and Samson!  Not weaklings like all those Apostles and early Christians running around getting martyred and shit.  That ain't manly!  Real men don't get martyred!  Real men have SWORDS!  And they could KICK YOUR ASS!  There should be so much manliness flying around, women should risk pregnancy just from breathing the air!  Five year olds should walk into the building and immediately hit puberty from all the testosterone in the church dammit!

So if you want your church to be the top dog again you need to up the testosterone!  Out with the Lamb, in with the Lion!  It's easy, all you have to do is throw out 26 of the 27 books of the New Testament and BAM!  You got a manly thug Jesus right there in Revelation*.  That will totally fix everything!  Wives will be submissive, children will be obedient and everyone will have a perfect sex life!  Not to mention how people will totally start streaming back in droves to a more manly church!  Because that's what's been the problem all along!  Obviously.

Once you put the women in their place EVERYTHING IS FIXED!

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*Just don't go too far into that book either because after the initial badassness, it's all "blah blah, Lamb who was slain" again...

Waiting for no one

I recently discovered the blog Stuff Christian Culture Likes and I loved it so much I read the whole thing front to back!  Reading it was like taking a journey back to the weird and wonderful (but mostly weird) time in my teens and early 20's when I lived fully immersed in charismatic Christian culture.  One particular post on "Waiting to kiss until your wedding day" really stuck with me because it brought back a lot of memories about just how confusingly complex the church's view of physical intimacy is.

Having sex is the second worse sin anyone can commit (worst is having gay sex, obviously).  We use words like "dirty", "defiled" and "impure" to describe people who have been physically intimate.  You can lie cheat and steal all day long but the the only time anyone would tell you that you are "living in sin" is when you're having sex.  Sex is so bad you can't even have it by yourself!  Most congregations have groups for men that provide "accountability partners"* to help keep them from flogging the bishop.  They also help keep men from looking at the swimsuit issue of a sports magazine because sex isn't just a dirty sin when you actually commit it, it's even a sin when you just think these dirty and impure thoughts!

Sex is a wonderful gift from God and He want's His children to enjoy it.  Many churches have a several week long sermon series on Song of Solomon to teach congregations that physical intimacy is a blessing and that God intended it for their pleasure.  Churches therefore encourage Christian couples to have a lot of sex with programs like the 30 days of sex challenge.  In other words, Christians are supposed to have a lot of sex and they are supposed to enjoy it!

Confused?  You are not alone.  Yes, the Christian culture's views on sex sound a little bit like Schrodinger's petting.  It manages to be incredibly good and incredibly bad at the same time, the difference maker being marriage of course.  Marriage is the magic wand that turns the dirtiest, most sinful thing you can do into the most wonderful, holiest thing ever.  If you are unmarried then there is nothing more important to God than your purity, i.e. not defiling yourself with physical intimacy.  Get married and suddenly God no longer gives a hoot!  Purity shmurity!

It should be no surprise then that Christian young people tend to get married young and also tend to have very short engagements.  The problem is that it doesn't work out that well for everyone, mostly thanks to the unholy abomination that is Christian dating and courtship.

The first rule of Bible based dating is that dating is evil and immoral and should be avoided at all costs.  Since God has a perfect plan for your life, this includes the perfect marriage partner and you should let God be your matchmaker.  If you start dating different people you run the risk of stepping outside of His Perfect Will by following your own sinful desires, in which case: no perfect life partner for you!  Instead, a lot of churches teach "Biblical Courtship" which is a complex multidimensional system involving assorted small group leaders, accountability partners, the pastor and both sets of parents.  I would explain further but it would take a very long time and I'm not sure I understand most of it.  I wonder if anyone really does...  Anyway, the second rule of Bible based dating is no funny business before the wedding!  I'm not talking about sex, that should be a no brainer.  No, things that should be avoided are anything that could tempt you to slip and fall into the sinful morass of sexual impurity - so no kissing, no hanging out alone, no touching in the swimsuit areas (and this is Christian culture so I mean one piece, not bikini!) and preferably no hand holding (though it is grudgingly allowed).  After all, if everyone is destined for someone then you run the risk of getting frisky with someone elses spouse-to-be!  That would be sad and wrong because you would be robbing both your true future spouse as well as their true future spouse of something meant only for them.

Couple of problems with this.  First off, "Bible based dating" is not based on the Bible.  At all.  How could it?  There is no dating in the Bible!  People in Biblical times just married whoever their parents arranged for them to marry after all.  There may have been matchmaking involved but it certainly wasn't from God's side.  This is also why the Bible places such a premium on (female) virginity - women were property back then and their "purity" gave them value in marriage negotiations.  "Biblical courtship & dating" is probably based on Romeo & Juliet more than any other source material, only instead of "star crossed" lovers you have "God ordained" partners.  Secondly it places a lot of unrealistic expectations on libidinous young couples that they are often ill equipped to deal with, leading to downward spirals of (completely unnecessary) guilt and shame.  Thirdly, it clearly doesn't work for everyone.  If you look past all the engaged/married kids in their early 20's at church you are bound to see a smattering of lonely single people in their late 20's (and 30's and 40's) still desperately waiting on God to be their matchmaker.  Why do you think that is?  It's not that they are being punished for their impurity.  On the contrary, these folks are usually far better at "staying pure" than their married-at-20 counterparts.  I can think of three possible answers:

1 - God is a matchmaker but is also running an eugenics program.  Take a closer look, those singles are more often than not of the overweight, unattractive and/or socially awkward variety.  Matching them doesn't seem to be as high on God's to-do list as matching their attractive, vivacious counterparts.  Coincidence?

2 - God did in fact have a perfect life partner picked out for you but then said future spouse decided to obey the Word of God and chose to stay unmarried (as endorsed by both Jesus and the Apostle Paul).  Could God's perfect plan for you to get married be overruled by His own endorsement of life long celibacy?  That is a question for better theological minds than mine!  Alternatively maybe your perfect partner didn't go to a church that taught Biblical courtship and ended up marrying someone outside of God's perfect matchmaking plan.  OR perhaps your perfect partner did go to a church that taught Biblical courtship and dating and were so overcome by their sinful desire to have sinful intercourse that they married the first best person they could find just so their desires could stop being sinful! 

3 - Maybe it's none of the above.  Maybe God is not your matchmaker (good guess since as already pointed out, none of that is in the Bible) and the rules for finding love is exactly the same inside the church as it is on the outside.  Maybe you're supposed to do what you can to make yourself as attractive as possible, go out and meet some people, ask some of them out and find someone compatible.  Who knows, you may even find someone you get on with so well that you want to marry that person!  Could happen!

*This one time, at church camp, I met a guy whose mother (a Christian counselor) also doubled as his "accountability partner".  He would have to go to her every time he had "sinful thoughts" or masturbated and confess his sin to her.  I wish I was kidding about this!

Strange New Godview: The Get Out of Jail Free Card

Just about every Christian believes in a God who freely pardons sins.  However there is a subset of believers who have a God who not only forgives but also legally pardons felonies.  It's a pretty sweet deal!  Not only do you get to have a clear conscience, you also don't have to face any punishment or justice for your crimes and you definitely don't need to worry about any of that pesky restitution stuff.  This God is like Mr Wolf in Pulp Fiction, only better!  He can do so much more than a normal cleaner or a sleazy lawyer because He can render your entire criminal past completely irrelevant!  Have you heard?  He can even destroy the DNA evidence against you!



No no, it's OK, we don't need to check the facts here or ask for evidence, it's cool.  He heard it from his apostle after all so it has to be true!

But of course this isn't that new.  I first ran into this God as a teen at the display table at church where all the Chick tracts were kept.  There I found the Get out of jail free God in what has to be the vilest Chick tract of all time.  It was called Lisa and was one of the very few tracts that was ever pulled from circulation (It can still be found online here).  In this happy story a dad descends into pornography and incest because he lost his job and his wife nagged him.  When his neighbor finds out that dad is raping his 6 year old daughter he offers to stay silent in exchange for also getting to share in the "fun".  Luckily for little Lisa, her doctor is a Christian who worships the Get out of jail free God, so when he diagnoses her with Herpes and realizes she's being abused by two grown men, he does the right thing and calls in the dad to tell him about Jesus.  Dad then gives his life to Jesus, feels better and promises to never hurt his baby girl again and they all live happily ever after.  Is it any wonder Chick tracts are so popular in prison ministries?

You'll also find this God very popular amongst the "former satanist" crowd.  That's why they get to regale crowds with their tales of ritualistic rape, abduction and murder without fear of having to be accountable for any of those things.  Sure, if their stories were true they could close many cold cases and by turning in their former buddies could prevent many baby sacrifices but then they may end up paying for those totally real crimes too and then who would warn parents about AC/DC?!  The Get out of jail free God is really helpful to the "former witch/high priest/druid/werewolf" because thanks to Him they get to pretend they never did anything wrong (except for when they have to pretend they did in order to scare parents into fearing rock music and D&D).

So whether you are a family values politician caught with your pants down or just a clergyman with a taste for the illicit, have no fear, the Get out of jail free God is ready to take your call right now!  Why pay for your crimes when you can pretend it never happened?

Strange New Godview: Jedi Jesus

Today's entry into the pantheon of new and exciting ways Christians are looking at God stands out from the rest of the pack.  Just about all the Godviews I can think of, both ancient and modern, tend to have one thing in common - they all regard God as a Person of some kind.  So while some may think Him a good and gentle Shepherd while others see him as the blood soaked God of War, they all see Him as a Him, not an It.  Not so much with this next one.  Check out the Godview of this pastor:



Did you notice that his God wasn't so much a person as it was a mystical force to be harnessed?  Now I'm pretty sure if you actually asked Pastor Deluca here (I didn't, so guessing here) he would of course deny my inference and insist that he does consider God a person.  Thing is, actions speak louder than words and this is not how you act if you think your God is a person.  No, this is how you act if you're in a Star Wars movie.

Hear me out, let's say that instead of a Person, your God was more of a Force that surrounded and permeated the universe, keeping it all together.  Now if you had the right midi-chlorian count anointing, you could manipulate and control this Force and use it to do magic tricks!  Why you'd be able to use it from everything from mild brainwashing to knocking people over at a distance.  With enough training you could even fashion it into Force lightning Glory Grenades and cause excruciating pain the giggles!

This form of Christianity-as-ritual-magic may seem weird to some but it is practiced fairly widely in the Ultra-Charismatic sects of Christianity.  I could tell you about some of the things I've seen these Jedi Christians attempt but you'll just think I'm making things up.  Some things are so unbelievable that you really ought to see it for yourself.

Strange New Godview: Drunk Zeus

This weekend, Christians all over the world celebrated the fact that their God is someone who deeply loves a broken world.  This is a God who loved the world and came to earth not to destroy it but to rescue it.  The God we celebrate on Easter was never a fan of sin but instead of fighting it with violence and destruction He opposed it through self sacrifice and love.  Not all Christians celebrate the God of Easter though.  Some Christians worship His polar opposite.  Behold for instance, the self proclaimed prophet of the Lord, Cindy Jacobs:



Now I know I call this series "Strange New Godview" but in this case that is not entirely accurate.  Her Godview (along with that of Jerry Falwell and Pat Robinson to name but a few) is actually not that new.  It may in fact be the oldest of all Godviews.  Eons ago, whenever something unpleasant happened I'm sure you would find plenty of shamans, priests and witch doctors telling the people that this bad thing happened because the gods were upset.  Coincidentally the gods always managed to be upset about something that the local shaman/priest/witchdoctor was also unhappy with.  To stop the bad thing from happening again all the people had to do was agree that the shaman/priest/witchdoctor was totally right about everything and immediately stop doing that thing that the shaman/priest/witchdoctor (and also the gods of course) hated.

It seems not much has changed.  You wouldn't like Cindy Jacobs' God when He gets angry and FYI, He gets angry a lot!  When He gets peeved you better believe that He will unlock the woodshed and take off his whuppin belt, just like Zeus of old! Only there is a major difference here.  Zeus at least bothered to hurl his lightning bolts at the person who offended him.  Cindy's god is not only violent it seems, he also drinks heavily seeing as how he tends to just randomly smite people/things who had nothing to do with whatever offended him.  How else would you explain dead birds and an earthquake in Japan because he & Cindy was upset about DADT?  Perhaps he is just kinda racist and thinks we all look alike.  Would explain the Bible Belt tornadoes her god uses to punish Hollywood (or something), wouldn't it?

Strange New Godview: The A-hole Boyfriend

The Bible offers a whole host of ways to picture God; He is presented as a Warrior, a Shepherd, a loving Husband, a Judge and a King to name but a few.  This is a practice that continues to this day and people come up with new ways to view God all the time.  Thing is, some of these are a little odd while others are downright disturbing.  I'm going to see how many of these strange Godviews I can find to share with the class.

I came across the first one in a recent blog I did on Rob Bell (it's what gave me the idea for this series).  I was watching this Aussie pastor giving a critique of one of the NOOMA films and noticed something strange about his God.  See if you notice it too.



Is it just me or does he make God seem like an emotionally abusive boyfriend?  This God doesn't think you can do anything right!  Self confidence?  Believing in yourself?  Don't make Him laugh!  You're stupid and rotten and you can't do anything right no matter how hard you try (He probably thinks you could stand to lose a few kilos too).  Honestly He doesn't even know why He bothers with you!  You're completely useless and unlovable!  You should just be grateful that He's willing to put up with a screwup like you in the first place.  Just do Him a favour and stop trying to think for yourself.  Since you're too fat and stupid to do anything right you better leave all the thinking to Him and stop seeing those friends who tell you differently!

You've seen guys like this with their belittled and bewildered girlfriends.  Does this God seem any different?