Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Strange New Godview: The Get Out of Jail Free Card

Just about every Christian believes in a God who freely pardons sins.  However there is a subset of believers who have a God who not only forgives but also legally pardons felonies.  It's a pretty sweet deal!  Not only do you get to have a clear conscience, you also don't have to face any punishment or justice for your crimes and you definitely don't need to worry about any of that pesky restitution stuff.  This God is like Mr Wolf in Pulp Fiction, only better!  He can do so much more than a normal cleaner or a sleazy lawyer because He can render your entire criminal past completely irrelevant!  Have you heard?  He can even destroy the DNA evidence against you!

No no, it's OK, we don't need to check the facts here or ask for evidence, it's cool.  He heard it from his apostle after all so it has to be true!

But of course this isn't that new.  I first ran into this God as a teen at the display table at church where all the Chick tracts were kept.  There I found the Get out of jail free God in what has to be the vilest Chick tract of all time.  It was called Lisa and was one of the very few tracts that was ever pulled from circulation (It can still be found online here).  In this happy story a dad descends into pornography and incest because he lost his job and his wife nagged him.  When his neighbor finds out that dad is raping his 6 year old daughter he offers to stay silent in exchange for also getting to share in the "fun".  Luckily for little Lisa, her doctor is a Christian who worships the Get out of jail free God, so when he diagnoses her with Herpes and realizes she's being abused by two grown men, he does the right thing and calls in the dad to tell him about Jesus.  Dad then gives his life to Jesus, feels better and promises to never hurt his baby girl again and they all live happily ever after.  Is it any wonder Chick tracts are so popular in prison ministries?

You'll also find this God very popular amongst the "former satanist" crowd.  That's why they get to regale crowds with their tales of ritualistic rape, abduction and murder without fear of having to be accountable for any of those things.  Sure, if their stories were true they could close many cold cases and by turning in their former buddies could prevent many baby sacrifices but then they may end up paying for those totally real crimes too and then who would warn parents about AC/DC?!  The Get out of jail free God is really helpful to the "former witch/high priest/druid/werewolf" because thanks to Him they get to pretend they never did anything wrong (except for when they have to pretend they did in order to scare parents into fearing rock music and D&D).

So whether you are a family values politician caught with your pants down or just a clergyman with a taste for the illicit, have no fear, the Get out of jail free God is ready to take your call right now!  Why pay for your crimes when you can pretend it never happened?


GumbyTheCat said...

Great post. I had no idea that unbelievably evil Chick tract existed. I'm going to steal it for my blog. Hehehe.

I've known about Get Out Of Jail Free Jesus since the day I found fundie Christian discussion sites. Those people would gladly stomp Jesus to death in their mad stampede to get that magic salvation. The man doesn't count, he never did to them. All they care about is avoiding those flames. The lessons Jesus allegedly taught mean nothing.

Back in my final days as a Christian (more of a Jesusite than a Christer, actually), I used to tell the fundies that when they died, they may be in for a big surprise. I was universally scorned for believing that actually listening to what the man said was important. To this day I believe I was in the right.

Eugene said...

Thanks Gumby and by all means use it! It's become the lost chick tract and if it wasn't for the internet, most people would have no idea it ever existed!

I have to agree that you were in the right. I think the sanest approach to this was one I heard from a pastor in prison ministry once. He told us that he usually used the example of the criminal crucified next to Jesus when talking to criminals. Sure, Jesus gave him salvation but He didn't release him from his sentence as well. Your sins are between you and God but if you did the crime you do the time - that's between you and the community you wronged!