Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Jackie the Suicide Dachshund

I'm going to come right out and say it, my dog is trying to kill me!  Oh I know, she looks all innocent and adorable but you don't know the darkness in her dachshund heart!  Every winter she tries to leave this earth in a violent flash of murder-suicide and I'm afraid that one of these days she is actually going to succeed.

See, glorious Winter has once again arrived in the Highveld and since central heating is for the pampered weaklings in First World countries, things can get quite chilly around bed time.  I'm not complaining of course, sleeping snug on a bitterly cold Winter's night is one of my favourite things ever.  I stay warm using a three pronged approach - a pile of blankets, an electric blanket and a snugly dachshund.  Now for those who don't know, dachshunds are perfect cold weather dogs.  They are small so they don't take up much space on the bed, they are genetically programmed to burrow so they love tunneling under the blankets, they are very loving dogs who enjoy snuggles and their tiny bodies give off a surprisingly large amount of heat. Unfortunately for my health, my dachshund also has a potentially lethal personality quirk.

Caught in the act!
As this picture shows, she is a compulsive licker.  For some reason she enjoys licking things more than she loves life.  I have a theory that perhaps she is powered by static electricity which doesn't make much sense but it would explain why she acts like a tongue that uses a dog for life support.  Now this is merely annoying when she does that while on my bed.  It becomes downright dangerous when she does that while I have an electric blanket on my bed!  Since she is usually snuggled tightly against me while doing this I can only assume she plans to take me with her when she electrocutes herself.

Now I could be wrong, it may not be malice driving her.  After all, while she is a sweet dog I have to admit she's as dumb as a small bag of rocks.  So it could just be coincidental but then again, what if it's not?  What if the stupid is all just an act?

I guess that what I'm saying is if I turn up dead, I need someone to please tell the cops to question my dog!


GumbyTheCat said...

Pets have their quirks, eh? Have you tried spraying bitter green apple spray on the blanket? That could discourage him from licking it.

Man, it's weird 'hearing' you talk about winter when it's just starting to remain sunny and warm here. Axial tilt - it's the reason for the season!

Eugene said...

Well since my holiday in the Northern Hemisphere I have higher standards for winter! Sadly I don't get to frolic barefoot in the snow over here, best I can hope for is some frosty grass and that hurts my feet!

I had no idea bitter green apple spray was a thing, if I can track it down I will give it a try!