Bride of Satan?

English is not my mother tongue, but I like to think of myself as rather proficient in it.  I don't mean to brag, I just think that it would be a fair assessment to say that I have a good grasp of the English language.  I have extra reason to be proud of my ESL skills today because it turns out I am much better at it than large numbers of my English speaking peers.

As I discussed in my previous post, the South African Council of Churches tried to prevent Lady Gaga from performing in South Africa.  The following message was spread by many concerned Christians via social media:

“Lady Gaga! Real name Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta.  She sold her soul to the devil for fame and fortune, suddenly having 8 million followers on Twitter, top selling artist and the top winner at the Grammys. This is clearly the devil at work!

Fellow believers in Christ Jesus, you may or may not know the seriousness of what I am saying now. We need to stand firm against the Lady Gaga concert. She is a self-confessed Satanist and the bride of Satan. Letting her into SA will bring spells of evil.”

For the moment, lets ignore the fact that we have people talking about "spells of evil" in the year 2012.  Instead I would like to draw your attention to the second last claim about her being a "self-confessed Satanist and the bride of Satan".  This very quickly became a meme amongst Christians opposing Lady Gaga.  Anytime an article about her was posted online, dozens of comments calling her a "self-confessed bride of satan" would suddenly show up.  For some, that claim wasn't enough going on to say things like:

"O and she not only confessed to be satans bride, she also said she is his nr 1 bride. If she isn hiding it I wonder why satans children are teying to hide it? Doesnt make any sense? Anyways deceit should be the order of the day when it comes to satan and his kingdom so maybe it makes perfect sense. What ever, not interested."  *

See, she's didn't only confess to being Satan's bride, she claims to be his Number One Bride.  That seemed like an odd thing to me since I consider myself pretty clued up on Gaga-facts and have never heard her confessing anything of the sort.  Heck, even Lady Gaga herself was kind of surprised by it.  So I decided to fact check this claim.  I figured it was probably something being taken out of context, seeing as how the good folks concerned with demonic influences in music tend to overlook things like subtlety, nuance, context, humour and theatricality.

This guy knows what I'm talking about!

So after an exhaustive search of the internet I found ... nothing.  Nothing at all.  This claim is not based on anything Lady Gaga said at any time.  Turns out this is one of those self sufficient internet rumours that people believe is true because other people are saying it's true.  The only places you will find Lady Gaga being a self-confessed bride of Satan (or number one bride) is in claims by concerned Christians that she is a self-confessed bride of Satan. 

Still, I was curious about where it all started.  Sure, absurd claims can live on the internet indefinitely, sheltered away from reality  for as long as the gullible can keep regurgitating and swallowing the same stupid claim.  However they have to come from somewhere originally and since it didn't come from anything Lady Gaga said, the question remained - where is this coming from?  Well according to Google Trends, this claim appeared only twice, right now and early 2011.  As near as I can tell, the source for this traces back to an anonymous email that was widely circulated at the time.  Here it is exactly as it showed up in my inbox back then (minus the random fonts and colours of course):

***

"The Song “Alejandro” by Lady Gaga.

Very subtly the devil sneaks into our lives to steal and destroy souls!

We don’t even realise that just by singing the lyrics of a seemingly ‘innocent’ song with a nice tune, we open the door wider for his evil spirit!!

‘Alejandro’ means: man’s defender and protector’ (GOD).
‘Fernando’ means: ardent for peace (JESUS).
‘Roberto’ means: bright or shiningly framed (HOLY SPIRIT).
‘Babe’ is the same as ‘child’

Now the lyrics again:

“Don’t call my name; don’t call my name, Alejandro(GOD).I’m not your child, i’m not your child, Fernando (JESUS). Don’t call my name; don’t call my name, Roberto (HOLY SPIRIT) Alejandro; Alejandro (GOD), Just let me go.”

People, please stop listening to Lady Gaga! Real name Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta. She sold her soul to the devil for fame and fortune, suddenly having 8 million followers on Twitter; top selling artist, and the top winner at the Grammys. This is clearly the devil at work!


 

Remember the images with her inside the egg carried on a cross? Hatching from an egg signifies the cold blooded rebirth. Implanted horns on her shoulders and cheek bone indicating the transformed BRIDE OF SATAN!

(Save a soul and pass this on)
I received it, and I’ve passed it on. The blood is off my shoulder…

SHARE PLEASE !"

***

   
That may be the most tortured exegesis I've ever seen.  So you take half the lyrics, translate the names then do a double logic backflip to somehow relate those names to the Trinity and then a song about a girl saying goodbye to her latin lovers becomes a confession of satanism.  Excuse my while I slam my head against the desk for a bit.

...

By this logic you can take the statement "I like apples" and turn it into an endorsement of witch burning.  Apples come from trees, trees are made of wood, we use wood for fires, fires were used to to burn witches THEREFORE when someone says "I like apples" they OBVIOUSLY really mean they enjoy seeing women burn at the stake.  Right?  Or maybe this kind of tortured analysis is bullshit and maybe things just mean what they appear to mean.

See this is the bit that makes me feel pretty good about my English Language reading comprehension skills.  I know what "self-confessed" means.  Pity though that none of the people passing on this rumor has the foggiest idea.  See, self-confessed means someone actually explicitly admitted to something.  For instance my blogging friend Ali is a self-confessed vegan as well as a self-confessed fan of Cabin Pressure.  I would also be within my rights to call my blogging friend Dasia a self-confessed fan of roller derby and Benedict Cumberbatch.  I know I am correct in saying this because if you were to go to their blogs you would find them admitting those very things!  I didn't have to analyze or infer or deduce much of anything, they flat out stated it.  On the other hand if I called them "self-confessed Olympic gold medalist transvestites"** that would be wrong because a) that is factually incorrect and b) they never said anything remotely like that!!!

Seriously people, I know the English language can be tricky at times, what with flammable and inflammable meaning the same thing and all, but come on!  Self-confessed is not a hard word or concept!  It pretty much means exactly what it says!  Surely the idea of things meaning what they appear to mean has not lost all meaning yet?  Words mean things.  They mean specific things.  They can't just mean whatever you'd like them to mean instead of what they actually mean.  Am I alone here?  Is everyone else taking crazy pills?!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*This person is on my friends list so I happen to know that, contrary to his claims of not being interested, he would pounce on every possible opportunity to post this on any thread related to Gaga.  Repeatedly.
**Dear Ali and Dasia, if this accidentally becomes a meme I am really really sorry!

Anti-Gaga protests fail. Spectacularly!!

Lady Gaga has arrived in South Africa for 2 sold out shows and I find myself having so many feelings about this.  So to help me deal with all these feelings I'm calling in some emoticats to help me!

Firstly, while I would have absolutely LOVED to see her live in concert I couldn't get tickets.  They were sold out so fast and even if I got a ticket I would have no ride to the concert.  This made me one very sad panda.

Then I found out that the South African Council of Churches were planning massive demonstrations to get the government to ban her from entering the country.  They were worried that her performances here "could lead to an exponential growth of Satanism".  This left me feeling very puzzled.

See, I'm a pretty big Lady Gaga fan and I'm also NOT a Satanist.  At no point did I ever feel tempted to become a Satanist while listening to her music or watching her videos.  In fact, I can't seem to recall her even trying to convert me to Satanism at any point in time.  So where was this all coming from?  I mean if they were upset about her support for gay rights, it would at least make some sense but Satanism?  Based on WHAT pray tell?!  I even took a moment to skim the Facebook group South Africa: No to Lady Gaga and satanists and I couldn't find anything resembling proof there either.  Hey guys, the 80's called, they want their Satanic Panic back!  Srsly, this is some stupid-ass fearmongering bullshit...

It was pretty worrying though.  Back during the Apartheid days, the churches were the first and final word on what people were allowed to see.  If the church branded an artist as being immoral or a bad influence on the youth, that was it.  They could forget about getting any airtime.  Was this going to happen again?  I know we now have one of the most progressive constitutions in the world but the population is still very conservative and religious.  I had a lot of feelings about this and none of them were good...

But then the protest happened and I got better!  The thousands of righteously indignant Christians that were supposed to hand over a memorandum to the government didn't show up.  According to the Afrikaans newspaper Beeld only about 14 people showed up and most of them were late.

Source

This meant that the 30 people who showed up for the Cape Town protest seemed far less pathetic in comparison!

Source: Paula Chowles

 This was just EPIC failure!  Contrast these protests to the numbers there to welcome Gaga to the country:



This made me happy.  Very very very happy!

So even though I won't get to see her live in concert (this time) this is a great day!  The fearmongers lost so everyone wins.  Here's hoping the SA Council of Churches decides to spend its time focusing on actual problems instead of imaginary ones.  Heaven knows we have enough real issues in this country that can use some attention.  Also, I'm no longer a sad panda!

In which I get hit by a bus and damnation

I had an interesting Thursday.

First, I get hit by a bus.  Not the famous Christian Hypothetical Bus, an actual bus.  Lucky for me I happened to be inside a bus myself at the time so I'm totally fine.  Word to the wise, if you really have to be hit by a bus I strongly recommend being in a bus yourself!  Aside from some slight whiplash that may or may not be entirely psychosomatic, I walked away without a scratch!

Then I get home and I get hit by a metaphorical bus in the form of my first ever blog related hate-mail.  Except it wasn't really "mail" in that it was a comment on my previous post and I'm also not sure if "hate" is the appropriate term since despite calling me the son of Satan and implying I should kill myself, I didn't really feel like it was that hateful.  So forgive the poor terminology but I had to call it something.

Now I have had people disagree with me in the comments before but this was a first for me.  At first I was a little stunned, then I was a little hurt - which I know is ridiculous because this is a total stranger from the internet and I really shouldn't care what they think of me but nevertheless, it wasn't pleasant to hear - but that passed eventually.  Now clearly Rebecca didn't come here looking for an argument, she took the time to read my blog, disagreed with its content (rather vehemently) and then composed a rather long comment to me explaining why.  That is all good, this is an open forum and I certainly don't expect everyone to agree with me.  Also, this is actually a great opportunity for me to think about and clarify my own beliefs, so thank you Rebecca.  I know you weren't asking for a response but I'm going to give it anyway and I'm doing it here rather than in the comments, not to be a dick, rather it's because I detest having to read long walls of text squeezed into the tiny comment strips and I suspect others may share my distaste. 

Ok, after reading through your blog I think you are doing what your father the devil tells you to do. You are turning everything upside down, you call evil good and good evil (like calling satanic Lady Gaga holy and a Nazarite), you paint a very unbalanced view on purpose, for example concerning modesty. 

I like how this starts by you casting yourself in the role of Jesus with me playing the role of the pharisee.  Obviously we aren't going to agree on much here.  I agree with you that there is an evil side and a good side here.  On the one side you have the Church, on the other side you have a pop star.  The one side is causing a lot of pain and shame and suicide in the GLBT community, the other side helps prevent such suicides by offering unconditional love, kindness and acceptance.  One of those sides is very good and the other side is really evil.  One of those sides can even be called "satanic".  I just don't think its Lady Gaga's side.

I have never heard a teaching about modesty that does not place responsibility on both sexes, but you chose to compare Christians to radical Muslims. Since you can express yourself very well I don't think this happens because you are stupid. I am sure you are intelligent. You are deceiving on purpose and at the same time you are being terribly deceived. The devil has obviously blinded your eyes. So sad.
The reason my view of Modesty seems unbalanced is because it is.  It may very well place responsibility on both sexes but the responsibility is overwhelmingly placed on the women.  In all my years in the church I have lost count of the many admonishments for the ladies not to "cause their brothers to stumble" but not once have I ever heart the same admonishment given to men.  Whether it is said or merely implied, the message is always there - men have trouble controlling themselves therefore women must carry the additional burden of being responsible for a man's lack of self control.  Men being a temptation to women is rarely if ever even discussed.  Have you ever heard words like "cheap", "trashy" or "easy" being used to describe men and how they look?  I certainly haven't!  Those are words you use to describe things, not people and yet somehow it's OK to use it to describe women.  While I appreciate you complimenting my intelligence and writing clarity, I obviously didn't express myself that well if you walked away with the idea that I'm comparing Christians to radical Muslims!  What I did do was point out how expecting women to bear the responsibility for not being "stumbling blocks" just leads to an endless shifting of the goal posts.  No matter how conservatively they dress, no matter how much they cover up, men will just find new "stumbling blocks".  You are clearly intelligent and not just some troll so I have to wonder how you missed that.  Maybe I'm not the one being blinded here...

I don't think you were ever a true Christian who believed with all his heart. You hate Gods word and you did not have the Holy Spirit to open it up for you this is why you don't understand it. You were never born again. Because born again people are sealed and persevere to the end.
I disagree but obviously you are never going to believe me.  I get it though.  The scaffolding that holds your worldview together cannot accommodate the possibility of someone moving from true believer to honest doubter.  I've been there.  Those truths are supposed to be self evident and anyone who looks at it is supposed to believe more, not less.  You have the blessed assurance, you know that you know that you know that you know that this is all true.  Therefore people like me must have just never really gotten it.  Not true but you're never going to believe me so just believe what you need to in order to function.

You could be striving to understand Gods Word correctly, like I did, and yes, it is a journey through a thick jungle of heresies and plain stupidity, it takes a lot of study and effort, but instead you are mocking Christians. 
You have no idea how much study and effort I put into that.  I just ended up at a different destination than you. I do think the very existence of that "thick jungle of heresies and plain stupidity" raises a lot of interesting questions though.

Where is the love you like to talk about so much? I don't see any love, kindness, forgiveness or humility from you. So perhaps you are not in the position to judge Christians for not being loving enough.
You may very well be right here.  I mean I try not to be a total asshole but I could very well be failing miserably at that without even realizing it.  My main beef with Christians is not their lack of love (though that pretty much falsifies the entire faith according to its Founder), I mainly take issue with them when they are cruel, dishonest and/or just plain wrong.  There is a difference.

Are Christians not loving enough? For sure. But we are not going to heaven because we are good, we are going to heaven because Jesus was good and we lean on His victory over sin and death. Frankly, I don't expect anything from my christian sisters and brothers, all my expectations are fixed on Jesus. Have I been treated unjust in the church? Oh yes. But that does not stop me from loving the church that Jesus has died for, how imperfect it may be. It is the only church we have. These are the children of God with whom I will spend eternity. And in the meantime we are commanded "to bear with one another". (Col 3, 13). Not an easy job, pretty exhausting sometimes. But we are to die to ourselves. We are to become LESS! Not expressing ourselves to the maximum like Lady Gaga. That is why your comparison totally stinks. Lady Gaga dies for nobody else. She does not try to cut parts of her selfish ego back to serve another human being. She serves only herself and mammon and satan. And she does not glorify the Creator!
OK first off, I said Lady Gaga is the last true Nazirite, at no point did I say she's the Messiah.  So apart from that last screed about Lady Gaga I don't quite get, you do raise some interesting matters.  Clearly you are not blind to just how bad things can get inside the church.  Does it ever bother you that the people inside and outside the church are basically indistinguishable despite the life altering power promised by the salvation experience?  Does it seem at all odd to you that an infinite and almighty creator God would create people to be unique and distinct persons and then expect them to empty themselves of all He created them to be so they can all be identical empty vessels for Him?  Sorry, that is probably a really long discussion and I know you're not looking for a debate here.  It just illustrates our differences I guess, that you can hold such strange contradictions in your mind and believe them both while I cannot.

It is one thing to call out heresy and to ask heretics like Benny Hinn to repentance, it is an entire different thing to mock all of Christianity.

In the midst of the congregation you have been like Judas has been in the group of Jesus desciples. A traitor. But we all know how Judas life ended. 
I would very much like to thank you for the sincerity of your comments.  You accept that we disagree and you didn't try to persuade me to change and I'm taking that as a sign of respect, whether you meant it to be or not.  I especially appreciate you not signing off with something condescending like "I'm praying for you".  Thank you for that.  However I can assure you that I am in the midst of no congregations and I haven't been for quite some time.  I labour under no illusions that I'm winning hearts and changing minds here.  This is just my tiny corner of the internet where I try to make sense of things.  So rest easy, I'm not leading anyone astray.  That's why - if it's all the same to you - I'm going to go ahead and NOT hang myself (or fall to my death, depending on which version of his death you are referring to).  Thanks!

And you shall know them by their enemies...

I know that a lot of my friends don't really get why I like Lady Gaga as much as I do.  Can't blame them really, I've never been that big into pop music and let's face it, Lady Gaga is weird to the point of ridiculousness sometimes.  But she is also ridiculously talented and her songs are catchy and fun (even when the lyrics make no sense).

But let's say the music means nothing to you, you just can't stand listening to her, is there any other reason to like her?  Well I can point out that she is on the right side of a lot of issues - bullying, discrimination, equality, acceptance.  Even if you think she is totally pretentious and fake you'd be hard pressed to deny that she is making a lot of marginalized groups feel more hopeful.

One more thing.  You know how people always say you can tell a lot about someone by the company they keep?  Well that's certainly true but I would posit that you could also learn a hell of a lot about a person by looking at the people who hate them.  The following people - and this is not an exhaustive list, this is just off the top of my head - really seem to hate Lady Gaga with a passion:

The Westboro Baptists

Crazy New World Order conspiracy nuts peddling Satanic panic

Crazy "Turn or burn" style street evangelists

Focus on the Family

and most recently, violent Islamic fundamentalists.

With enemies like those, she must be doing something right!  When anti-democratic, anti-secular groups like the Islamic Defenders Front, call someone a "messenger of the devil" I consider that a badge of honour.

"Woe to you when all men speak well of you, for their fathers used to treat the false prophets in the same way."  (Luke 6:26)
See?  Even Jesus agrees that it's better to be hated by some people than to be loved by everyone.

And considering the kind of people who hate her, doesn't it just make more sense to love her?

Born This Day!

Happy Birthday Lady Gaga!

On March 28, 1986, she who would become the last of the Nazirites was born.  Can you believe she's only 26?  She seems older somehow...  Halfway through her twenties and she's already conquered the world.

Anyway, so what do you give someone like her on her birthday?  I know we aren't friends and only psychotic fans (which I'm not, just FYI) pretend that they actually know their idols.  Kind of wish I was gay right now because I would totally come out on her birthday as a tribute if I could!  Oh well, guess that's not really an option.  Plan B - as far as I know, the only thing she loves nearly as much as the gays are her adoring fans.   So for her birthday I will try and win her some more fans.  Or at the very least turn some nominal fans into adoring fans. 

Once upon a time, I thought of Lady Gaga as a pop star with some catchy songs.  Here is one of the performances that opened my eyes to the fact that she was sooo much more.  When she sat down at that piano in that ridiculous dress made of orbiting rings and started playing it was transcendent and amazing!  Anyone can do a medley of their hits, but that freestyle busking bit about her life growing up in NYC was something else entirely.  Show me another major pop star that could do this, if you can.  In this performance she just shocked me with her talent.  I could never look at her as "just another pop star" again.   


Lady Gaga - LoveGame, Bad Romance, Poker Face... by wonderful-life1989

That was just sweet and beautiful and weird and ridiculous and astounding. That was a pretty fun episode of SNL for Lady Gaga btw.  She not only gave that amazing performance, she also got to wrestle Madonna and tried to make out with Andy Samberg while both of them were wearing bubble dresses.  She also dropped a s-bomb on live TV when she performed Paparazzi.  I actually really like this version, it's just a few tiny changes but it makes a difference.  Also she looked flipping fantastic performing it!


Lady Gaga PAPARAZZI Saturday Night Live by Jenokya

Well it's not much, but it's all I got.  Happy Birthday Lady Gaga.  Mag jy jou drome oorleef.

Valentines Day & The Golden Rule

Valentines Day is not a great day to be single on.  It's the one day of the year when the whole world seems to be conspiring to make you feel miserable about not having a significant other.  All the might of the Flower-Chocolate-Greeting Card-Industrial Complex is brought to bear against the singles of the world in an attempt to make them feel so single that they vow to change it so they can buy Valentine's stuff the next February 14th.  This year, I refuse to play that game.

Now there are a couple of options for those who want to stand up to the tyranny of Valentines.  You can go to the dark side and really embrace your anger at the lovey dovey people of the world, listening to anti-love songs and leaving bitchy, passive-aggressive comments on the social media platform of your choice.  Alternatively you can still use the day to celebrate all the love in your live - friends, family and everyone who makes your life better by being in it.  Or you can go even further and celebrate Single Appreciation Day (S.A.D), using Valentines Day to celebrate all the great things about being single and the joy of getting to do things the way you like it without having to compromise.  That is a great way to stick it to the shadowy overlords behind Valentines Day and I would probably choose the final option if I felt like expending all that energy.

I don't.

So instead, I'm just going to have a Tuesday and wish all my friends who are in relationships a very happy Valentines.  Hope it brings you nothing but joy, you deserve it!  Plus to show my goodwill, here is a public service announcement for everyone who has a date lined up tonight.  In the spirit of Valentines, it features Lady Gaga, love of my life, fire of my loins.  Enjoy!

Vindication Videos

Every once in a while I come across something that totally vindicates something I blogged about earlier.  I won't lie, it feels good to be right.  Sure, I always try to put my facts on the table when I post something so it's not like I just pull these posts out of my ass but still, it's nice when you find something that corroborates your original thesis.  Usually I resist the urge to do the "I told you so" dance but this is the season for giving is it not?  Now I could do a separate post on each one but that seems a little bit like cheating to get my post numbers up.  So instead of doing three separate short posts, here they are all rolled into one:

Most recent first.  In my previous post I talked about being a better person than the generations before you.  I found this old PSA that shows that we are indeed managing to do that.  Sure, there are still plenty of people out there who consider homosexuals to be mentally ill predators intent on infecting young people with gayness but those people are fast becoming a minority.  While they may still be a vocal minority they at least don't get to be as vocal as this anymore:



See?  It really does get better.

Sometimes a picture really is worth a thousand words.  When I blogged about Christians saving their first kiss for the wedding day I'd wager some people didn't think I was entirely serious.  Surely such a thing doesn't happen in real life, right?  Oh but it does and now I have video to back me up.  I did my best to describe the practice in my post but I don't think I could ever hope to accurately relay the awkwardness of it all the way this video does:



OK, so maybe that wasn't quite a thousand words.  More like three - Hard. To. Watch. (Especially that kiss.)

Finally, did you catch Lady Gaga's Thanksgiving special?  If you didn't then you missed out on something truly amazing - and I'm not just saying that because I'm a huge fan.  It was a thing of beauty, pure and simple.  If her talent didn't bowl you over then you are dead inside!  And the waffles!  ZOMG the waffles!!  But I digress.  Remember when I said that Lady Gaga was the last of the Nazirites?  If not, go back and read what I said there and then watch this video:



Did I nail it or what?

It's OK, you don't have to answer, we both know I totally nailed it.  Her speech at the 6:30 mark was exactly what I said being a Nazirite is all about.

Vindicated!

Hero Time! The Find Your Own Nazirite Adventure Quest!

I was chatting to a friend of mine the other day and she told me how she felt like she was losing touch with her own identity.  She has been spending so much time lately trying to live up to other people's requirements of her that she wasn't sure who she was anymore.  Now if you've read my previous blog post I bet you think I sat her down and preached the Gospel of Gaga to her.  That does sound like something I might do, but in this case I did no such thing.

This week was Nelson Mandela's birthday and the whole country was very worshipful about it.  It was celebrated everywhere, but not by everyone.  Couple of posts on Facebook reminded me that one man's freedom fighter is still another man's terrorist.  Not everyone looks up to Madiba.

We don't all have the same heroes.  Why should we?  We are not all the same, we don't all value the same things and that's just fine.  You don't have to enjoy the things I enjoy nor do you have to be impressed by the people who impress me.  But while I would certainly not expect everyone to agree with my assessment of Lady Gaga as the Last Great Nazirite, I would very much hope that you wouldn't disregard the concept of the Nazirites completely.

No one should have to do this life by themselves.  As the poet said, "No man is an island".  As the Zulus say, "umuntu ngumuntu ngabantu" (You become a person through other people).  So much of the world seems dedicated to grind you down and tear you to pieces.  Having someone to look up to, someone who's life calls you onward and upward makes all the difference in the world.  You don't like my Nazirite?  Fine, pick another.  There are so many poets, painters, musicians, magicians, leaders, lovers, composers and writers to choose from so find the ones who feed your soul, those who remind you who you are.  Those who remind you to stay true to yourself.  Those who constantly push you to be better.

These aren't just empty words and I can prove it.  When people talk about their heroes I'm often reminded of that scene in Zoolander where Owen Wilson's vapid male model character talks about his role models and mentions how Sting inspires him: "Sting would be another person who's a hero. The music he's created over the years, I don't really listen to it, but the fact that he's making it, I respect that."  My point is you can't just list someone because its the cool thing to list, that person either makes a real difference to you or they don't.

Check out the post count on the right of the screen.  Notice how I've blogged more in half a year than I have done per year for the last 2 years?  Lady Gaga is a big part of that.  Stop rolling your eyes at me and hear me out!  See before she was the world famous Lady Gaga:

She was Stefani Germanotta, a young girl from NY with a deep love of music and some very big dreams.  In an interview she told how as a young, completely unknown artist she would play hour and a half long sets full of songs no one knew whenever she got a stage.  To give you some perspective, here she is as a student at an NYU talent show:



Just FYI, she didn't win, she came in 3rd.  As you can see the seeds of who she would become are all there but she hadn't quite hit her stride yet.  The talent is there, those songs were not bad at all but they were never going to top the charts.  A more pragmatic person would have advised her to get a real job instead and make music more of a hobby.  She kept going though, kept writing songs, kept preforming and eventually she found her voice and took the world by storm.

Now I'm no Lady Gaga, I don't have a fraction of her talent so this comparison breaks down pretty early on.  But the thing is, I really do like writing.  It's the only thing I've ever really dreamed of doing, one of the few things I truly enjoy.  Now I may never become famous or widely read but that's no reason not to keep at it.  If I love doing it, why not do it more, why not try to get better at it?  It may not bring me fame or fortune but that's no reason to not get all the enjoyment out of it that I possibly can.  That's why I've been writing more blog posts this year, who knows maybe one day I too will find my voice?  I like to think I'm getting more comfortable in my own skin here, despite (or maybe because of) having an audience in the single digits.  Lately it's been easier for me to speak my mind and to be honest when I write - I'm starting to be more like myself.  We can't all be famous, we can't all achieve greatness but that's no reason to not enjoy the things we do and learn to be good at it.

So laugh at me all you will for revering a 25 year old pop star the way I do but do yourself a favour, find a Nazirite of your own.  Believe me, it makes a difference.

The Last of the Nazirites

"Don't you ever let a soul in the world tell you that you can't be exactly who you are."
— Lady Gaga

Have you ever heard of the Nazirites?  Let me tell you about them.

Since childhood I have known about the Israelite holy men and women known as the Nazirites.  I knew the story of Samson, Samuel and John the Baptist but I never really thought much about it.  It was only when listening to historian Ray Vander Laan's "That the World May Know" series that I learned the most important thing about the Nazirite vow namely the reason it exists.  See I knew from my days in Sunday School that the Nazarite vow required three things:

• Abstain from wine, wine vinegar, grapes, raisins, intoxicating liquors and vinegar distilled from such.
• Refrain from cutting the hair on one's head
• Avoid corpses and graves, even those of family members, and any structure which contains such (Apparently for some this ban on dead things also meant not eating meat)

What I never thought to ask was why they had to do these things, why did these things made them "Holy unto the LORD"?  None of those things were wrong or immoral so why would abstaining from them make one holy?  Maybe the answer is in the fact that "holy" doesn't mean what you think it does (or at least back then it certainly didn't).  As I've written before, "holy" meant "different", "set apart", "unique" - which is exactly what the Nazirite vow set you up to be.  A Nazirite didn't look like everyone else, they couldn't fit in to society like everyone else.  To put it a different way, a Nazirite was a freak, but the important thing here is that they were freaks for a reason.  They had a purpose, they weren't just different for the sake of nonconformity.  Instead they were living reminders to the people of Israel that they too were supposed to be different, that they were a nation set apart by God and that they were not supposed to look like and live like all the other nations of the world.  Nazirites lived as freaks to remind those around them that they weren't supposed to blend in.  It brings my favourite quote from Angel to mind:  "Nothing in the world is the way it ought to be. It's harsh, and cruel. But that's why there's us - champions. Doesn't matter where we come from, what we've done or suffered, or even if we make a difference. We live as though the world is as it should be, to show it what it can be."

Those were the Nazirites of old.  Now, let me tell you about mine.

"For being different, it’s easy. But to be unique, it’s a complicated thing."
— Lady Gaga

There are a lot of words people use to describe Lady Gaga but I don't think the word "holy" is usually among them.  Yet if "holy" is to mean "different" and "unique" then she has to be the holiest person I know by a long shot!  There really is no one else like her.  Some artists reinvent themselves with every album they release but she seems to reinvent herself anew every morning.  She sets a new standard for concepts like "different" and "unique", she's a hyper dramatic, beautiful freak.  She may be full of shit but she is never less than true to herself.  She changes all the time and yet she is always aggressively her, sometimes only more so - every prop she ads on only makes her more her.  She stands out wherever she goes, she blends in nowhere and she is impossible to miss.  She is truly, fundamentally Holy/Different.

Every bit of me is devoted to love and art. And I aspire to try to be a teacher to my young fans who feel just like I felt when I was younger. I just felt like a freak. I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm trying to liberate them, I want to free them of their fears and make them feel that they can make their own space in the world.
-- Lady Gaga

You know what, my description sounds a little clumsy.  I think she said it a lot better than me in her latest column for V Magazine (I'd very much recommend the entire article):

"Art is a lie. And every day I kill to make it true. It is my destiny to exist halfway between reality and fantasy at all times. They call me “theatrical,” but I posit profusely that I am theatre, and that theatre is me. I am a show with no intermission. It is this thing that summons me from the depths of reality and reminds me that the power of transformation is endless. That I (we) possess something magical and transformative inside —  a uniqueness and specialness waiting to be exiled from the depths of our identity. I have said before that I am a master of escapism, which many attribute to my wigs, performances, and my natural inclination to be grand, but perhaps that is also a lie. Maybe I am not escaping. Maybe I am just being. Being myself."

Now while she is clearly unique, that in itself is not enough to qualify her as a Nazirite.  After all, you can't throw a brick into a room full of artists without hitting someone "different" looking!  Merely looking strange is not enough, for a Nazirite is never odd just for the hell of it, a Nazirite is different for a purpose and that purpose involves other people.  Here is where she transcends most of her peers.  As you can probably tell from her quotes, she certainly does use her uniqueness as a platform to reach out to others, to remind them that it's OK for them to be different too.  To see how successful she is with her message, look no further than her fans.  Especially to unpopular, bullied teens and those in the LGBT community - in other words, those under the most pressure to suppress who they are and conform to societal expectations - she has been a light in the darkness.  This is her message and it is heard far and loud, you don't have to be like everyone else, you can be a freak and be proud.  You don't have to try to fit in, there's no shame if you don't, you can be who you are and be loved and valued for it.  If you let her, she will remind you that being yourself is a good thing.

"You have to be unique, and different, and shine in your own way."
— Lady Gaga

So then, may I present to you - Mother Monster, Champion of the queer, Friend of the odd,  Goddess of the Night, Queen of the freaks, High Priestess of the Holy Darkness,  Hammer of the Status Quo, Enemy of Conformity, The Voice of change calling you out from the desert of bland, the Strange Beauty, the Lying Truth, Patron Saint of Aggressively being yourself:  Lady Gaga, Last of the Nazirites!

"I want you to walk out of her tonight not loving me more, but loving yourselves more."
— Lady Gaga

I but laugh to keep from weeping

Does anyone actually enjoy getting a call from a telemarketer or do you find them annoying too?  Well if you've ever been annoyed by a telemarketer then boy do I have a bittersweet tale for you! 

Just to be clear, I always try to be nice to telesales people because I get that it's a job and in this economy you do what you can to put food on the table but it's not always easy.  I think it's the dishonesty that gets to me.  There are those who just come straight out and ask you if you are happy with your current armed response/carpet cleaner/water filtration system and then try to sell you one.  That's annoying but those calls tend to be brief at least so it's easy to take in stride.  No the ones I really dislike are the ones where they pretend they aren't trying to sell you something and they're just doing a survey and then after you patiently answered a bunch of questions they hit you up with a sales pitch anyway.  So then today while I'm getting dinner ready the phone rings and I realize almost immediately that this was going to be one of those calls.  Anytime someone calls looking for the owner of the house "but since he's not in and you are here would you mind answering a few quick questions?", then you just know what's coming.  Since this lady claimed she wanted to do a lifestyle and holiday related survey I'm guessing she had planned on selling me timeshare but this call didn't really work out the way either of us thought it would.

(For this reenactment, imagine my voice as a croaky James Earl Jones since I have a bit of a chest cold at the moment.) 

SALES LADY (chipper tone):  "So tell me sir, are you between the ages of 30 and 40?"
ME (fiddling with the phone cable hoping it cuts out):  "Yes I am"
SALES LADY (still chipper):  "Excellent!  Now tell me, are you married?"
ME (kicking the wall socket with no luck):  "No I'm not"
SALES LADY (less chipper):  "Are you engaged?"
ME (giving up hope on faking phone trouble):  "No"
SALES LADY (starting to sound concerned):  "Are you living with someone?"
ME (now a little more interested in this conversation):  "No I'm single and I'm not seeing anyone."
SALES LADY (desperately hopeful):  "Do you have any children perhaps?"
ME (sensing weakness and deciding to pounce):  "No I don't have any children.  Look it's really starting to look like I'm not the right kind of person for this survey of yours, perhaps you should rather call back later when the owner of the house is here.  I'm just ummm... doing some part time work around the house here."
SALES LADY (clearly distraught):  "Yes I supposed that would be for the best."
ME:  "OK, goodbye then"
SALES LADY (sounding downright bummed out):  "Sir, you really shouldn't be going through life alone like that..."
ME (making my "wait what now?!" face):  Err.. OK?  Thanks?"

So there I stand with a dead phone in my hand not knowing if I should be happy or insulted.  On the one hand I got out of what was bound to be a very long sales pitch in no time flat.  On the other hand apparently my life bummed out a telesales lady so much that she decided I needed life advice more than a sales pitch.  I don't think I would be more weirded out if a hobo gave me my money back because I look like I need it more than he does!

I chose to find it very amusing.  Because if you can't laugh at your own lonely, childless, semi-penniless life spent living in a house that isn't yours then really what's left?

I'm not kidding though, I've been pretty down this last while because I have a birthday coming up that I really don't feel like celebrating.  After that phone call though, I feel a lot better.  I will celebrate it and so help me there will be beer and meat and friendly faces involved and I will enjoy it!

Because really what else can I do?  Life didn't exactly turn out the way I would have liked it to but that's all the more reason to spend time doing the things that bring me joy.  Speaking of, here are two things that make me really happy COMBINED!!  It's Weird Al doing a Lady Gaga parody!  It may be the funniest, creepiest thing I've ever seen and it's awesome!  And yes, I'm probably going to do a Lady Gaga post around my birthday so just deal with it.

When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Monster comforts me. But this is driving me nuts!!

OK, I would normally not blog to blogs so close together (blog) but I have a burning question for everyone who doesn't read my blog.  These days one of the very few sources of joy for me is shaking my ass to my new Lady Gaga album.  Here's the thing though.  Regarding her song "Scheiße" she claims, via Twitter (or Facebook because fuck twitter, I don't roll like that yo!) that:

"I went to a dirty party in Berlin, and wrote SHEIßE the next day. It's about wanting to be bad without permission. "

OK so then I Googled it and for the first time since I searched for albino porn (stop judging me, it was to prove a point!!  Shut up!) I found that Google was unable to help me.  Apparently I'm the only person on the entire internet who doesn't know WTF a "dirty party" is or at least cares enough to ask.  Seriously, how can THE INTERNET not know?  This seems like the exact kind of thing the internet should be able to tell me dammit!!  So if you know a German (from Berlin preferably) and you chance upon this post, I beg you, put me out of my misery.  WTF is a dirty party????  Surely SOMEONE ON THE INTERNET MUST KNOW??!!

CAPS LOCK IS CRUISE CONTROL FOR COOL!
(But even with cruise control you still need to steer...)

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UPDATE (05/06/2011):
Gumby suggested that a "dirty party" is the same thing as a "poo party".  No beer for you!  I'm currently rejecting that notion for the following very good reasons:

1. That answer came from The Urban Dictionary which as a source of reliable information is about 1/16th as credible as Yahoo Answers.  I should note that UD didn't even have an entry for "dirty party", it was a redirect.
2. Eeeuww!!!  No seriously, that's just too disgusting to be a real thing! (This reason courtesy of the last vestige of my innocence not yet destroyed by exposure to the interwebs)
3. It may be a stereotype but I'm not ready to give up on my mental image of Germans as neat, clean, well organized people.  I mean ffs, they have a problem with dudes peeing while standing!
4. Scheisse/Shit is used as an exclamation in the song, not as a noun as in "I, I wish I could be strong without the scheiße, yeah"

So then, until I see some hard proof showing otherwise I refuse to accept that a "dirty party" is the same thing as the UD definition of a "poo party".  Because seriously, eeeeeuwww!!!

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UPDATE (17/06/2011):

Did some more online detective work and found another clue.  In this interview she gave the following background info to the song:

"This song I wrote right after I left Berlin. I went to the Laboratory club the night before, I had some fun with my friends then the next day I wrote 'Scheiße'. I meant it like 'shit, it's good.' But I also meant it the other way; because this song is really about wanting to be a strong female without all the bullshit that comes along with. Anything that gets in your way from being brave. It's not the only word I know, I just like that word. It's sexy."

I then googled the Laboratory Club in Berlin and while I still don't have a definition for a "dirty party" I'm also no longer sure I want one!  The Laboratory is a Gay sex club and from the sound of it, things get pretty wild in there!  Here is a sample review:

"LABORATORY is THE sex-club of the moment. Settled in the basement of a former electric power station, it has a huge and really hot labyrinth. You must get in at the indicated hours, then doors close and the party begins : all-naked on Thursdays, Fuck on Fridays,etc. Changing calendar to be consulted on their website.

Facilities and services
   
Video room
Bar
Nightclub
Darkroom
Fetish (leather, latex...)"

Kinda reminds me of this time someone described Freddy Mercury's birthday parties as the kind of thing you went to hell to for attending.  On second thought, I'm actually more curious than ever now!

Anyway, I also found these photos of Lady Gaga partying at the Laboratory.  Note that she doesn't appear to be covered in literal shit so unless you have pictures showing otherwise I'm still not listening to any scat party suggestions!

The Joy of Being Listened To

OK so maybe blogging when I'm halfway through a bottle of 10 year old white wine isn't such a good idea but then, neither was opening a bottle of white wine from 1997.  Clearly this is was never going to be night of good decision making.

Here's the thing.  I finally got my very own copy of Rob Bell's book "Love Wins".  Hardcover and everything, because I'm just classy that way.  I'm about half way through it and as usual when reading Bell I'm pretty depressed because I realize that I'm never ever ever ever going to be that good.  I know 65% of the Christian world disagrees with me on this but the man is an exceptional writer.  The kind I wish I could be.  But anyway, I'm digressing, probably because my playlist just went from Metallica to Tanita Tikaram.  I really ought to make less random playlists.

Anyway, here's the thing.  I just read an atheist blogger's review of "Love Wins".  Go ahead and check it out, it's reasonably spoiler free and far more positive than you would have probably expected.  One thing in particular struck me in that review.  Ahh, finally some Lady Gaga, my playlist loves me!  Where was I?  Oh, right the surprisingly positive review.  The Uncredible Halq said:

"Aside from agreeing with much of Bell’s message, I also enjoyed his book’s style. It reads like it was written by a preacher, in the best possible way. It reads like it was written by someone who’s made a living out of speaking to people week after week, and been very successful at it. It also reads like it was written by someone who’s used being listened to. Too often, I think, atheists get used to having people not listen, so we put too much energy into arguing with people who will never change their mind. Bell, though, just makes his points and doesn’t worry that some won’t agree."

OK, that last part.  That's what I'm talking about.  He talks like someone who is used to being listened to.


*Sigh*

I wish I could do that.  Thing is I'm not used to being listened to at all!  I think that explains my blogging style.  Feels like a lot of it is me second guessing myself and arguing against my own point.  That's what people do when they are used to being ignored.  It blows.  Chunks.  Big ones.  Also why do I have 2Unlimited on my playlist??  What is wrong with me????

OK, listening to The Cure now, world is better.  Anyway I guess I don't really have a point.  I only wish that I could talk like someone who is used to being listened to, like someone who could just make a statement and people can take it or leave it.  I sometimes wish this blog could just reflect all the fucks I don't give, you know what I mean?

God bless spellchecker!!  No more red lines so I'm pressing "publish"!

Gaga for Gumby

"Look: Gaga cries and makes big, dramatic statements. A lot. She’s a theater kid playing to an audience of theater kids; just accept it and it’ll make this whole experience much more palatable, okay?"
- Genevieve Koski, reviewing the Monster Ball Tour for the Onion AV Club

I was shocked the other day when I wrote a blog post on Lady Gaga  and long time reader Gumby confessed in the comments that he had never heard a Lady Gaga song, not one!  I simply cannot let this stand, it would be a travesty for me not to address this issue!  So here then, just for Gumby is a quick intro to Lady Gaga.

Imagine someone who is equal parts Madonna and Marilyn Manson, sister to Tori Amos and spiritual progeny of Freddy Mercury.  Both terrifying and arousing (I won't lie, I'm totally Gaga-curious), brilliant, controversial, sacrilegious, innovative, self important, dramatic, sweet, vulgar, scary, vulnerable, honest, talented, full of shit and a born entertainer.  That's Lady Gaga.  Well that's Lady Gaga as I see her.  I never wanted to be a fan, I've really tried not to like her but she may very well be my perfect woman.  I have no idea why.  It's probably best if I let her music do the talking.

First off, here is some pure, uncut Gaga.  This is her singing "Born this Way" acapella backstage on her Monsters Ball tour.  No effects, no props, just her and her backup singers and she knocks it out of the fucking park:



This is her live on Ellen preforming "Bad Romance".  I like this clip because it shows several of the things she's great at - acoustic voice & piano performances, dancing in high heels, performing live (without lipsyncing!) and being a proud and total freak.  When you are done with this, do yourself a favour and check out the official "Bad Romance" video, it totally kicks ass!



OK now you should be ready for the full monty.  Here are two of my favourite Gaga videos, Judas and Alejandro.  Both showcase the visual spectacle she does so well.  Also the fact that the Catholic Church threw a collective shit fit over both of these didn't hurt me loving it!  





So Gumby, what do you think?  You don't have to like her, I don't expect anyone to feel the way I do about her music.  The only thing I find unacceptable is not having heard any of her music at all!

A GaGa Paradox

You have to believe me, I never wanted to be a fan of Lady GaGa.  Back when Poker Face first hit the airwaves I was determined to ignore what I thought was just another shallow popstar singing vapid (and incredibly catchy)  pop songs.  But the more I heard the more I liked, despite myself.  Before long she progressed from "popstar I don't care for" to "secret guilty pleasure" to "dammit, I'm a Lady GaGa fan now, aren't I?".  She is just so refreshingly different.  So unashamedly weird.  Best of all, despite all the theatrics she just comes across as so... honest!  Anyway, I'll just come out and admit it, after seeing this interview with her on 60 Minutes I totally had a crush on Lady GaGa!



I freely admit that it gave me great schadenfreude to read a review of her new song "Born this way" on the Christian review site Plugged In Online.  It was adorably cute to watch the reviewer do mental gymnastics in order to explain that, yes she is totally right in saying "God makes no mistakes" and that everyone is lovingly created by God to be special in their own way buuuut that this cannot in any way include your sexual orientation because being gay is always wrong even if you were born that way.

Much as it pains me, I have to note though that there is indeed a teensy problem with the lyrics to "Born this Way".  See the chorus proudly states:

I’m beautiful in my way
’cause god makes no mistakes
I’m on the right track baby
I was born this way

OK, still all good but then later she says:

No matter gay, straight or bi
lesbian, transgendered life

Wait a second, did she include transgendered on that list?  That makes the song a bit oxymoronic, don't you think?  According to Wikipedia: "Transgender is the state of one's "gender identity" (self-identification as woman, man, neither or both) not matching one's "assigned sex" (identification by others as male, female or intersex based on physical/genetic sex)".  In other words the concept of  being transgendered is in direct opposition to the notion that "God makes no mistakes" and that He "made you perfect".  To be transgendered is to say, "There's been a mistake, I'm not the gender I'm supposed to be".

Is it nitpicky?  You betcha!  But if my relationship with Lady Gaga is to have any future she needs to understand that I only nitpick the ones I love!

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OK, slept on it and while I stand by my nitpick I do feel there is one more thing I should add.  If I could somehow have been there when she wrote "Born this Way" as a good friend and trusted adviser, I would probably still have shaken my head a bit at the bit about transgendered life but I would not have changed a damn thing about the song.  What I love about Gaga is that she is the patron saint of aggressively being yourself.  She manages to convincingly bring the gospel that it is OK to be who you are, even if that means you don't talk, dress and act like your peers - I mean she dressed in meat ffs!  That, I believe, is a message worth sharing.  I never did a great job fitting in as a kid and I was a heterosexual male Caucasian!  I can't even imagine how hard it must be for those who are actual minorities.  That is why I love this song enough to nitpick it!