Wednesday, June 22, 2011

I but laugh to keep from weeping

Does anyone actually enjoy getting a call from a telemarketer or do you find them annoying too?  Well if you've ever been annoyed by a telemarketer then boy do I have a bittersweet tale for you! 

Just to be clear, I always try to be nice to telesales people because I get that it's a job and in this economy you do what you can to put food on the table but it's not always easy.  I think it's the dishonesty that gets to me.  There are those who just come straight out and ask you if you are happy with your current armed response/carpet cleaner/water filtration system and then try to sell you one.  That's annoying but those calls tend to be brief at least so it's easy to take in stride.  No the ones I really dislike are the ones where they pretend they aren't trying to sell you something and they're just doing a survey and then after you patiently answered a bunch of questions they hit you up with a sales pitch anyway.  So then today while I'm getting dinner ready the phone rings and I realize almost immediately that this was going to be one of those calls.  Anytime someone calls looking for the owner of the house "but since he's not in and you are here would you mind answering a few quick questions?", then you just know what's coming.  Since this lady claimed she wanted to do a lifestyle and holiday related survey I'm guessing she had planned on selling me timeshare but this call didn't really work out the way either of us thought it would.

(For this reenactment, imagine my voice as a croaky James Earl Jones since I have a bit of a chest cold at the moment.) 

SALES LADY (chipper tone):  "So tell me sir, are you between the ages of 30 and 40?"
ME (fiddling with the phone cable hoping it cuts out):  "Yes I am"
SALES LADY (still chipper):  "Excellent!  Now tell me, are you married?"
ME (kicking the wall socket with no luck):  "No I'm not"
SALES LADY (less chipper):  "Are you engaged?"
ME (giving up hope on faking phone trouble):  "No"
SALES LADY (starting to sound concerned):  "Are you living with someone?"
ME (now a little more interested in this conversation):  "No I'm single and I'm not seeing anyone."
SALES LADY (desperately hopeful):  "Do you have any children perhaps?"
ME (sensing weakness and deciding to pounce):  "No I don't have any children.  Look it's really starting to look like I'm not the right kind of person for this survey of yours, perhaps you should rather call back later when the owner of the house is here.  I'm just ummm... doing some part time work around the house here."
SALES LADY (clearly distraught):  "Yes I supposed that would be for the best."
ME:  "OK, goodbye then"
SALES LADY (sounding downright bummed out):  "Sir, you really shouldn't be going through life alone like that..."
ME (making my "wait what now?!" face):  Err.. OK?  Thanks?"

So there I stand with a dead phone in my hand not knowing if I should be happy or insulted.  On the one hand I got out of what was bound to be a very long sales pitch in no time flat.  On the other hand apparently my life bummed out a telesales lady so much that she decided I needed life advice more than a sales pitch.  I don't think I would be more weirded out if a hobo gave me my money back because I look like I need it more than he does!

I chose to find it very amusing.  Because if you can't laugh at your own lonely, childless, semi-penniless life spent living in a house that isn't yours then really what's left?

I'm not kidding though, I've been pretty down this last while because I have a birthday coming up that I really don't feel like celebrating.  After that phone call though, I feel a lot better.  I will celebrate it and so help me there will be beer and meat and friendly faces involved and I will enjoy it!

Because really what else can I do?  Life didn't exactly turn out the way I would have liked it to but that's all the more reason to spend time doing the things that bring me joy.  Speaking of, here are two things that make me really happy COMBINED!!  It's Weird Al doing a Lady Gaga parody!  It may be the funniest, creepiest thing I've ever seen and it's awesome!  And yes, I'm probably going to do a Lady Gaga post around my birthday so just deal with it.

1 comment:

GumbyTheCat said...

I simply hang up on the bastages. I'm not polite like you are!

Ya know, call me a liar, but I have sensed through your posts lately that you seem somewhat down. I can't exactly put a finger on it but all I can say is you've been posting a bit differently lately.

I have been down as well, and not just because of Gumby's recent passing. You and I share much the same lonely, childless, semi-penniless life spent living in a house that isn't yours that you described. My life did not turn out at all like I had expected or planned, and a lot of the time I feel like a failure. Because technically, a failure is what I am. My (thankfully past) alcoholism cost me the career and life I had mapped out for myself, and it really sucks when I realize there's no do-overs in life and not only can I not take my mistakes back, but also that I'm too old to start over.

So what to do? Nothing, I guess, but live the life I now have and try to put the past behind me. Easier said than done, I know. I'm there for ya, my friend.