Thursday, September 3, 2009

Defeating the Devil's Music! (A How-to guide for aspiring Anti-Rock Crusaders)

Reading some recent articles* on The Slacktivist regarding Good Fight Ministries (GooFi Ministries if you want to be cool) sure brought back some fond childhood memories.  It warmed the cockles of my heart to see that there are still some good people out there, boldly informing us all that Rock ‘n Roll is the Devil’s music!  I
remember that while I was growing up we in South Africa had the good fortune of having a man by the name of Rodney Seale around to tour our schools and churches to save us from the perils of Rock ‘n Roll decadence.  I even had his book (sadly I no longer have it) which explained in detail how every band from ABBA to ZZ Top was in fact irredeemably rotten.  More importantly it revealed that Rock music was in fact an EVIL CONSPIRACY (of horrible evil) designed to unleash sex, drugs and SATAN on a complacent world.  Ah yes, good times. (Why yes, growing up as a premillenial dispensationalist fundamentalist was indeed a non-stop funfest, why do you ask?)

Alas, the world of now seems to be sadly deficient in quality Anti-Rock Crusaders.  There just aren’t enough people out there warning the children (somebody please think of the children!!) that all this “heavy music” is actually from SATAN!!  So then as a public service (for the children!!), I have decided to condense my decades of listening to criticism about rock music into a handy, easy to follow toolkit.  My hope is that these pointers, along with a good book about the perils of rock and a relevant look, will enable more people to save the precious children from evil music.

Goldmine Oldies
So you want to be an Anti-rock Crusader?  Well then memorize these 3 letters:  ABRAlways Be Relevant.  You have to know the kids, you have to look like them, speak their language and use terms like “the kids” and “speak their language”.  So once you have your torn, whitewashed jeans, your one earring (remember – left is right but right is wrong!) and your long hair/ponytail/mullet/giant perm you are ready for some serious relating!  Feel free to ignore any artist currently in the charts, they’re hardly relevant now are they?  You know who you should be focusing on instead?  The Beatles, that’s who!  Kids today are really really really into The Beatles, Led Zeppelin, Elvis Presley, Black Sabbath and Little Richard so be sure to focus most of your energy on these guys.  As an added bonus, you can find tons of info on these guys by Anti-rock Crusaders from decades past so all the hard research work has already been done for you!!  Now you can really reach out effectively to all those teenagers with their long hippie hair, bean bags and lava lamps!  Want to really get your relevance on?  Read up on Alistair Crowley and Timothy Leary.  See that look of utter incomprehension on their faces?  That’s right, its because they have trouble grasping just how you managed to become this clued up and relevant!  You’re welcome!

Irony:  Threat or Menace?
Trust me, you will never amount to much as an Anti-rock Crusader if you know what irony is.  The key to success is severe irony deficiency.  It’s a little known fact that rock groups never actually put on an “act” or adopt “persona's” for artistic purposes – its actually all true.  If there is anything remotely occult seeming/sounding about a band that’s because they sold themselves to SATAN!  Always believe everything you hear (with one exception, see below) and remember the golden rule – you can never be too credulous.

The Jesus/lie – Satan/true rule
While you should most certainly take everything you hear in a rock song at face value there is one exception – any mention of God/Christianity.  It’s pretty simple.  All rock musicians work directly for SATAN – we already know this.   Therefore we can be 100% certain that any mention of THE DEVIL in music should be taken as 100% factual.  You know that song “The Devil went down to Georgia”?  True story!  On the other hand any positive message, any mention of God or Jesus and every good thing in every rock song ever must be false.  Its all part of their EVIL CONSPIRACY (of terrible evil) to lull you to sleep and infiltrate your home and drink all your beer fruit juice.  Don’t think for a second that those so called “Christian” Rock bands are exempt here.  They work for SATAN too!!!  Don’t believe me?  Well then check out this Chick tract, it will explain it all.  Still don’t believe me?  Fine then, keep listening to “Christian Rock” but don’t come crying to me when your kids start wearing black and your dog and cat start living together!

Desperately seeking Satan
Time for me to lay some hard truth on you – it's not always going to be easy to show the kids that Rock ‘n Roll is indeed the Devil’s music.  Sadly not all bands can have names like “Black Sabbath” and not all artists will have songs like “Father Lucifer” or “Sympathy for the Devil”.  No my friend the work of an Anti-Rock Crusader can’t be all downhill.  Sometimes you have to work at it.  There will be days were you have to comb through songs and media clippings for literally an hour before you find something you can twist use to make your point.  Lucky for you my brave Crusader-in-training, musicians tend to write more wacky lyrics than you can shake a very large stick at so you are pretty much guaranteed to find something.  Look for instance at this weird lyric by Tori Amos from her song Spark: 

“If the divine master plan is perfection
Maybe next I’ll give Judas a try “

Clearly this means she is a Judas Priestess because that is a real thing that totally exists!  Also if you fail to make a compelling case with the next line:  “Trusting my soul to the ice cream assassin” well then you may not be cut out for this line of work.

Creative Truthing
When it comes to the business of saving souls from hellfire you should not let insignificant things like “facts” or “reality” bog you down.  After all we are talking about the immortal souls of the children here!  So if I may paraphrase the great sage Adam Savage, you should feel free to reject reality and substitute your own.  Please, think of the children.  For instance when you point out to the kids that the super satanic band U2 once did the song “Helter Skelter” as an act of worship for Charles Manson, you would be wise to skip the opening part where Bono (you know you can’t trust anyone who is into world peace and feeding the hungry – that’s what the Antichrist is into!!) says “This is a song Charles Manson stole from the Beatles. We're stealing it back.”  In cases like these the facts will only muddy the issue.  Remember, it’s not lying if you are doing it to save souls!

Fun with backward masking.
Remember that time you listened to “Another one bites the dust” by Queen and you were overwhelmed by the sudden urge to smoke marijuana?  You don’t?  Well clearly you are mistaken because we all know that's totally what happens!  Stop lying to yourself!  You know why that happened?  Backwards masking, that’s why!  See bands like Queen insert subliminal messages into their songs (backwards!!) and so force innocent Christian kids to do things they never would do otherwise.  Sure, you need a little bit of imagination to actually hear it.  Sure, you could go record the words “Another one bites the dust” right now and when you play it backwards it will sort of sound like “its fun to smoke marijuana” (well with a little imagination it will).  Once again this is one of those times when reality is only going to slow you down.  Trust me, these backwards messages are there on purpose and despite all the studies that show that subliminal messages doesn’t actually influence squat they totally do!  Besides, even if the messages don’t have any effect while backward, you can be sure that kids play their records in reverse all the time!  What’s that?  You think “compact disks” or “CD’s” don’t work that way?  HA!  Clearly you fell for the LIES of the commie liberal media!  It totally does work that way.  It just has to.

*  If you want to read what The Slacktivist had to say about GooFi Ministries and especially about their massively dishonest treatment of U2, the articles are:
"Satan's Strategy (part 1)
GooFi videos
Vincible FooFiness


digapigmy said...

there are a string of mediocre musicians (judas priest, alice cooper, marilyn manson . . .) that owe their careers to anti-rock crazies.

Eugene said...

It's true! What these guys do is less prevention and more marketing. In fact the only reason I even read the Harry Potter books was because all of Christianity was having a synchronized freak-out about it and I wanted to see what the fuss was about.

The "amazing" thing is that even though I watched all those "occult" cartoons as a kid (He-man, Thundercats, Ninja turtles) and even though I read all the Harry Potter books I somehow managed to not end up a satanist! What were the freakin odds??!

digapigmy said...

isn't it just enough to say that U2 has only managed to compose somewhere in the neighborhood of 8 song templates that they basically use over and over again and that bono is a narcissistic egomaniac? i buy that argument more than satanist.

and thanks for the chick track. it's been a while since i've seen that one. good fun. i like the subtly, isn't his name like lew cefur or something?

RandomSue said...

Eugene, great post. Love the sarcasm dripping from this one.

Diga - You completely lost me with your second comment.

I'm glad the Satanists didn't have their way with you two ;-)

Plucky said...

My favorite Tori Amos lyric is, "Look I'm standing naked before you. Don't you want more then my sex?"

Just saying . . .

digapigmy said...

"So you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts,
What's so amazing about really deep thoughts?
Boy you best pray that I bleed real soon
How's that thought for ya?"

Good old Tori Amos.

Sue - I was simply suggesting plenty of good reasons not to listen to U2.

Eugene said...

Ah yes, that Tori sure is one heck of a strange lady! But then she is a genius AND an artist so she has an excuse. Still not buying her as a satanist although she just made it that much harder to convince the anti-rock satan-seekers of that when she named her new album "Abnormally attracted to sin"

Although she is a pastors daughter so that makes a lot of sense actually...

GumbyTheCat said...



Dude, that snark was straight out of my playbook. I should charge you royalties.

I remember when I was a rookie "born-again" back in 1987. I had just started my walk, and I avidly read all the standard apologetics from approved reading lists. My starry-eyed, unblinking acceptance of the innate honesty of my fellow born-againers ended when in one bool I read a treatise on Led Zeppelin's "Stairway To Heaven". In it, each verse of the song was critiqued individually, and the overall conclusion was that the song was of course satanic. Being a longtime Zep fan, though, I couldn't help but notice that they rewrote many of the lyrics to make the song seem as evil as possible.

And THAT is why I am the twisted, psychotic, mass-murdering devil worshiper that I am today.

Elizabeth Stipetich said...

Bahahahaha! Dude! This article is perfectly awesome! I tip my hat, nay, ALL my hats to you!

Eugene said...


Jones Morris said...

You know who you should be focusing on instead? The Beatles, that’s who! Kids today are really really really into The Beatles, alternative music