I really miss knowing everything. A decade or so ago you could have asked me anything and I would have had a clear, precise answer for you - no waffling, no maybe's, no if's or but's. Be it God, Christianity, right, wrong, sin, politics, history or how the world works I knew the simple, obvious truths of it all. What happened to me? I thought you are supposed to become wiser with age. I must have missed a turn somewhere because it seems to me that the older I get the less I understand. The only thing I know now is that I don't really know much of anything.
Why is that? Shouldn't I know a lot by now? Why do I feel like I used to be full and now I am empty? A lot has happened since the days when I knew everything about everything. I have experienced joy and loss, hunger, death, disease, friendship, rejection, communion and loneliness. These are the things that are supposed to make you wise aren't they? I should really have a better grasp on the facts of life now than I ever did before. Why do I have more questions than answers then? For instance I used to think I understood being alone since I grew up alone and spent a lot of time alone but then I was locked in an isolation ward for 4 days - with no tv, radio, internet or any human contact except for when they shoved my food through the door - and suddenly I learned that I really didn't know a damn thing. Four days is a long weekend, it's nothing, that's just a taste, what must true isolation be like? Similarly, being sick and being poor just gave me enough of a glimpse to know that I know nothing of what those in severe poverty or with terminal illness go through.
So here I am, many years later. Instead of everything I know nothing, instead of wise I feel foolish and instead of full I feel empty. Where did I go wrong?