There is only one thing you need to know about the bus services in Pretoria and that is that the busses do not run on fossil fuels. No, the Tshwane Bus Services run their buses on nothing but despair and anguish.
For commuter convenience, here are the simple steps to using the City of Tshwane Buses:
Step 1 - Arrive on time for your bus
Step 2 - Start waiting
Step 3 - Keep waiting while your stress levels build
Step 4 - Keep waiting until your stress turns into hopelessness
VERY IMPORTANT: You cannot cheat at Step 4. Trying to fake despair will do you no good. Only absolute, soul crushing despair will do the trick. To aid you in this, the City of Tshwane Bus Service is willing to make you wait as many hours as it take for you to lose all semblance of hope and joy.
Step 5 - Once you are nothing but a shell of your former self, your proud dreams but a distant memory and you have fully surrendered to the perpetual anguish of your pointless kafka-esque existence, THEN and only then shall a bus appear.
Step 6 - Pay for the privileged of being squeezed into a poorly ventilated box with a horde of other lost souls. Some of your fellow travelers will respect neither your personal space or the basic principles of personal hygiene. As a small mercy you will be well past caring while you ponder instead your meaningless existence in a cruel and spiteful universe.
Step 7 - Reach your destination, your spirit broken, your mind numbed and your body vaguely aching in places it really shouldn't...
WARNING! At no point during the journey should you attempt to cheer up! Remember, the bus requires your misery as fuel. If there is a lack of misery on the bus there is a very good chance that it will break down in the middle of nowhere, a long long way from your destination. Consider that a lesson.
They say all men must acknowledge the existence of a higher power. If this is something you have trouble with, may I suggest taking the bus? It will make a believer out of you. The City of Tshwane is a vast, cruel and fickle being and you are but its plaything. You will believe and then you will know true despair. Your pitiful shouts of protest are but a squeak in a thunderstorm. You are powerless and you are small. Thus humbled you will finally know the truth - that you are but a microscopic cog in an infinitely large and ineffectual machine. Give up hope now and the mocking laughter of the universe will hurt less later on.
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