Thursday, September 1, 2011

It's Springtime! It's Orgytime!!

[Since it's officially Spring Day in South Africa today I dug up something I wrote back in 2007 when I tried my hand at blogging via Facebook Notes.  Since Jackie the Suicide Dachshund and the local cats are still at it, it just seemed appropriate.  ]

Suicide Dachshund taking a moment to get her Zen on before a big night of cat "chasing"

Well folks, it’s that time of year. Spring has sprung and its already on my bad side. To be fair, spring was never on my good side to start with. I am a winter person and I make no apologies for it. The thing is, most of Spring’s redeeming features lie in its days (Pretty girls in short skirts mostly*. Oh and the flowers… Yes right, let’s remember the flowers too…). On the other hand, my main beef with spring (and summer) are its nights. Night time during winter is a magical time. You have big warm dinners full of slow cooked goodness, snuggle in front of the heater with hot chocolate or brandy (or both!) before you take a long warm bath and go to sleep in a heavenly cocoon of snugness like a hibernating bear. Wintertime is what sleep was designed for! Words cannot begin to describe the wonder of lying snug under your blankets while the winter wind weeps around the house. What sleep! What dreams!

Now springtime is something else entirely. Sure, you take your 5th shower of the day just before you go to bed, but it’s still so hot that you end up sticky and smelly by the time you hit the covers. Then it takes forever to get comfy because every position is uncomfortable, nothing can touch you because it’s so hot and no matter how many times you turn your pillow around, the cool side never stays cool for long. During the night your sleep is constantly interrupted by two things: all the bugs that have returned after sweet winter sent them to their grave as well as by you constantly berating yourself for settling for a fan when your stingy ass should have just shelled out the extra R3000 for an aircon!

But is that the worst part? Noooooo, not even close! And I’m not even referring to the too soon too hot mornings that make sleeping late a distant memory, no I’m referring to the horrible fact that spring is mating season! Mating season – of all of spring’s many facets I hate that one the most! Is it because all the coupling & mating energy drives happy single people to suicide? Well yes, that too. But mostly because every cat in the whole damn neighbourhood wakes up at 3 am to find their biological clocks ticking at which point they all congregate in my backyard for the mother of all cat orgies!

Cats seem to be nature’s noisiest lovers. (If there are noisier mating rituals out there, I beg you leave me in my ignorance and for heavens sake, keep it away from my back yard!) Honestly has anyone listened to them going at it lately? It doesn’t sound like they are having a good time. Hell it doesn’t even sound like they are comfortable! Are they even doing it right?? I mean I’ve heard that cats aren’t the smartest of creatures, but COME ON!!

Pictured: Cat Brothel
Of course the reason it all happens in MY backyard is because this is also the home of the world’s dumbest Dachshund. Then again, maybe she is the worlds most Zen Dachshund, I’m still trying to figure this out… See, its not that she doesn’t chase cats. No, rather for her its more about the chase, not so much the cat. She’ll chase but by now the cats have learned that they don’t really need to run. They can sit still, she will do all the chasing and running whether they take part or not. Round and round she will go, cat or no cat. Its all about the journey for her, not so much about actually “catching” anything. Stupid Zen dog has turned my backyard into a… well um, oh hell, lets admit it – a cathouse! For cats!! And thanks to her antics, this is a cat bordello with a dog show…

Oh, and as an added bonus the neighbours added a spotlight. "So what?" you say. Well every time a cat jumps onto the wall in front of the spotlight, he/she gets projected way larger than life on my curtains. I’m enough of a man to admit that the first time I awoke to see a puma jump on my windowsill I nearly crapped myself!

Can’t wait for winter to come back!!

Winter = Awesome

*Of course you will also see other girls in teeny outfits - girls who really, REALLY shouldn’t be in those teeny outfits… But I’m blocking that mental picture.

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