Sunday, September 4, 2011

FAQ's by Random Googlers

Usually, when I write a blog post, I try to to offer something meaningful.  Granted, it doesn't always work and my posts may not always come out as thought provoking as I may have hoped, but still.  I like to imagine that every now and again someone coming to this blog finds the very info they were looking for, especially if it's something they were searching for specifically - as opposed to those who arrive here hunting for LOLcats.  Hopefully at least someone out there finds some of the things I post in some way helpful.  However when I look check out the search engine queries that lead people here I have to admit that some visitors had to come away deeply disappointed.  I have empathy there, I really do.  I know exactly what it feels like to go googling for something and find that the helpful search results are really not that helpful (especially those sites that just feature a fuckton of keywords to generate traffic but offer nothing;  I hate those guys with the burning fire of a thousand suns!)  In my recent quest to learn what the heck a "dirty party" is (still unsuccessful I may add) I learned all about the disappointment of finding a promising link on google only to find the opposite of what you were looking for.  So, I'm going to be helpful! 

Here are some of the stranger google searches that led people to my blog.  Don't worry, I'm not going to make fun of you!  Instead, I'm going to try and help you.  You came all the way here with your really weird search and I'm going to do my best to not send you away empty handed.  Empty headed?  What's the right term here?  Anyway, in alphabetical order:

80s church waiting rooms
Right...  OK, look I've been in a lot of churches in the past 30 years but I'm pretty sure none of them had waiting rooms, not even in the 80's.  Why would they?  It's not like a hospital.  I mean even at churches where the pastor also does counseling, there usually isn't a waiting room.  People just show up for their appointments or the pastor goes to see the bereaved.  Sorry, I'm not going to be any help here at all, I have no idea what you're talking about.  But if anyone out there knows anything about church waiting rooms, especially from the 80's, be a good neighbour and post something in the comments.  OK, that wasn't a very strong start...

Albino people porn
Stop.  Just stop.  There is no such thing as albino porn.  All you will ever find when looking for it is a) people like me telling you there's no such thing and b) other people like you also looking for it but not finding it.  So really all you'll be left with is a really embarrassing term in your search history - you google keeps those right?

Can demons make you scratch yourself?
Well that would depend entirely on who you ask.  I'd say no.  Lot's of people out there would be happy to blame every single ailment on demons - from cancer to ingrown toenails - but that's really a ridiculous belief to have in this day and age.  It's understandable why people in a pre-scientific era thought that diseases came from demons (actually in Biblical times they thought it was unclean spirits, there's a difference) since it's not like they had the equipment to find germs.  But these days we know exactly how disease works so if you have a problem go see a doctor, not an exorcist.  If someone is compulsively scratching themselves they may be suffering from Dermatillomania and they need help, not holy water.  There are plenty of natural causes for both physical and mental illnesses so no supernatural explanations are needed.  Seriously, go see a doctor.

Christian pornography
I'm sorry, you're looking for what??!  Pretty sure that's not a thing!  Don't let XXXChurch fool you, they are an anti-porn ministry.  Yes, I know, their name is a little deceiving.  That's how they sucker you in.  Look, it's an open secret that Christians looove their porn BUT they do so in secret.  No Christian ever publicly admits to liking porn unless they are giving their testimony about Jesus saved them from their porn addiction.  It's an unwritten rule.  Which I just wrote.  Anyway, my point is that you will never find Christian themed porn unless it was made as a parody by non Christians.  Mind you, I have a friend who is an engineer who refers to new part and tool manuals as "engineering porn" - did you mean it in that sense?  Because I guess you could call a Bible Commentary "christian porn" in that sense but you are going to get a lot of funny looks for it if you do.  Probably also a visit from your minister. 

Hitler three fingers
Pretty sure Hitler had all his fingers.  Were you looking for Claus von Sauffenberg, the three fingered Nazi who tried to assassinate Hitler?  Only other connection between Hitler and three fingers I know of would be the three finger salute Neo Nazis use in Germany since the original Nazi salute is illegal there now.  If you want to know Hitler's views on "the shocker" then I'm afraid I can't help you.

Hitler with dachshund
It's not impossible that Hitler was around a dachshund at some point but he was really more of a German Shepherd guy.  He owned German Shepherds from his youth right up until his dog Blondi died with him in his bunker.  Hitler's personal dog handler, Fritz Tornow did however own a dachshund and they were in the bunker together.  Best connection I can come up with, hope that helped.

Is the group Abba gay??
No, they're not.  They are very popular in some gay circles but the band itself is not.  Chalk that one up to gay people having great taste in music!  ABBA consisted of  two married couples (for a while at least).  The guys didn't wear makeup and tights.  They may have been the most hetero band of the 70's!  Their songs were also all about the joys of man on woman loving - see my blog post on the subject for more.

Lady Gaga Man Proof
For the last effing time, Lady Gaga is not a man!  Seriously, how is this even still a thing?  It's not like she just popped into existence in 2008 ex nihilo after all (though she did hatch from an egg at the Grammy's this year).  Her pre-fame existence is rather well documented and a simple google search will find you lots of proof that she's been female all her life

Well, all her life minus the 2011 VMA's...
Her Wikipedia page has a picture of her and Lady Starlight from their performance art show at Lollapalooza in 2007.  I posted a video of her preforming earlier than that as a university student and if you poke around youtube you'll find plenty of footage of her back when she was still preforming as Stefani Germanotta.  Heck you can even find videos from her early teens when she did some acting, most notably the time she was an extra in The Sopranos at age 15.  But if reason and logic isn't enough for you then here is the conclusive proof that Lady Gaga is a woman.  It's seriously NSFW though so be careful when you click on that link!

Mars hill demon trials
I should probably ask you which Mars Hill you are referring to.  Pretty sure there were never any demon trials at the original Mars Hill in classical Athens (or for that matter in Mars Hill, Maine or Mars Hill, North Carolina), at least as far as I could check.  The Mars Hill church in Michigan, pastored by Rob Bell, seems like an extremely unlikely place for demon trials as well since they always seem far more concerned with dealing with evil in the temporal instead of the spiritual.  Mark Driscoll's Mars Hill church on the other hand seems like the right kind of place for it.  Mark is after all a vocal defender of the notion of a real and present Satan - and demons - and he seems just macho enough to stage a trail.  Unless you meant "trial" not in the legal sense but rather in the "trials and tribulations" sense.  Not sure if this will help but Pastor Driscoll did do a series called "Trial" (available as audio downloads here).  Nothing there seemed overtly about demons but then I didn't really listen to it so who knows?

Retarded Jesus
WTF?!  Really?  OK, no - just no.  You can say a lot of things about Jesus but He was by no means retarded.  I certainly never used those words (until just now) so no idea how you ended up here!  Did you meant this or this?  Not sure how either of those things would have landed you on my blog though.

Yoga to make you poop
Have you tried fibre?  Just kidding, I looked it up, there really is such a thing.  For best results, rather google "Yoga for healthy bowel system" next time, you're bound to find far more useful websites (on that matter at least) than mine!  But seriously, try fiber.


GumbyTheCat said...

I've been meaning to do such a post myself, ever since I saw that someone came to my blog searching for "fat masturbating old man". Yeesh!

Eugene said...

Wow, I don't even know what to say to that! How did that even get them to your blog?!?!

Did you ever see the search term blog Allie did on Hyperbole and a Half?
I knew I was never going to be that funny so I decided to try something new and attempt to be helpful. Time will tell if that was a good strategy!

Can't wait to read your blog though if that's the kind of search you're pulling!