Sunday, February 2, 2014

The dreaded Friend Zone

I usually really enjoy the videos by Cult of Dusty on youtube but recently he posted this video which really annoyed me for several reasons:

Now one of the big reasons this video upsets me is that if I saw this 10 years ago, I would be cheering and endorsing it for finally telling the TRUTH and I'm ashamed of that.  Honestly I'm not sure which stole more quality from my youth, being stuck in a crazy charismatic cult or being stuck in the "friend zone".

The other big reason this upsets me is because I like Dusty, I like his style and most of all, I like his insistence on using logic.  This video, while featuring a lot of memes about "evil women" exploiting "nice guys" didn't actually feature much logic.

So here is what I wish I could tell my 20 year old self about the dreaded friend zone.

Firstly I'll grant Dusty this, he did give one piece of solid advice: Stop being a coward!  If you are romantically interested in someone, tell them.  If they're not interested and you are not interested in them in any way other than sexually/romantically then be brave enough to walk away.  Being rejected hurts but not nearly as much as pining for someone for years while they are completely oblivious to your feelings.  You're just making yourself miserable and you'll probably end up making them miserable by being all passive-aggressive about it.  Be brave enough to be honest with them and if you can't then at least be brave enough to be honest with yourself about the fact that you don't actually want to just be their friend.  Which brings me to my next point...

Stop whining about how "nice guys" are always stuck in the friend zone by those evil bitches.  Just stop.  If you're in this position then you're not a nice guy.  There is nothing "nice" about pretending to be someone's friend while in actual fact you're trying to gain enough emotional leverage to become something else.  You're being disingenuous and there is nothing nice about that.  This is not a video game.  You don't get to level up to sexytimes by investing a certain amount of friendship points.  That's not how real life works.  And you already know that because...

You don't apply this kind of reasoning to your life, so why do you expect that from others?  If someone you are not attracted to at all tells you they are interested, would you say "Well I don't like you that way but you seem like a nice person who will treat me well so sure, lets date!"?  You wouldn't.  That's not how attraction works.  So why expect it to work that way for others?  Here is some hard truth: you are not entitled to love or sex or relationship or intimacy.  Just because you like someone romantically that doesn't obligate them to like you back the same way.  And again, you already know that because you don't feel obligated to be attracted to people you find unattractive.  So stop with this idiotic double standard.

So if you're stuck in the friend zone here are 3 easy steps you need to take to get out:

Step 1: Stop feeling sorry for yourself.  If you keep seeing yourself as a victim that's all you'll be.

Step 2: Start being honest with yourself.  Chances are you already know if this person is clearly not attracted to you so stop trying to change that by wishing really hard. The Secret is bullshit.  Attraction doesn't work that way and you know it.

Step 3:  Be honest, if there was absolutely no chance of a romantic relationship of any kind (ever), would you still be hanging around this person and acting like a friend?
Step 3a:  If NO then either tell this person how you feel and bear the consequences or end this "friendship" because you're not doing anyone a favour by hanging around.
Step 3b:  If YES then maybe stop trying to make this something it can't be and just be a friend for real without expecting anything more.

But for fuck's sake, stop acting like being nice to someone entitles you to getting in their pants.  That's just fucking childish!  If that's your game plan then you're not a nice person, you're a fraud.  LOGIC!


GumbyTheCat said...

I've been really nice to you these last 6 years, but I SWEAR I'm not trying to get in your pants. Really.


Eugene said...

That's a HUGE relief!

Tania Maree said...

Well said :)

Anonymous said...

I think all of the things you said are not true. Here is a good video that I agree with that addresses your arguments.

Eugene said...

Hi Anonymous. You are welcome to disagree but please tell me why, don't just drop a link to a half hour video in the comments and leave.

I stand by everything I said, even more so in the light of the recent shooting in Santa Barbara. Check out what the shooter had to say, it shows exactly how toxic this attitude of feeling entitled to attention because you're a "nice guy" really is:

mortalez said...

I think you are wrong here, I don't think there is a double standard I think men function differently than women, men will still have sex with women they aren't attracted to and there is the difference, that's a foot in the door that men rarely have(unless drugs or booze is evolved).

We all know that one guy who is married too or dating a girl he intended to be a one night stand, but she ended up going above and beyond that night and as a result he rethought what category to put her in. basically that's what friendzoned guys try to do, They try to be super boyfriend to compensate for lack of charm, or good looks etc etc... but sadly that does not work for men the same as it works for women, and when it does its usually after she has lost her looks or hit rock bottom.

Hell there have been women in my past that I was not attracted to who changed my mind because of the way they treated me. it's the opposite side of the coin from the guy who puts up with a batshit crazy woman because she is super hot and he knows his chances of finding another girlfriend that hot is somewhere between slim and none. I have been there also. basically for me and most guys I know the further a woman is from our ideal the more everything else has to be on point. same with women only they have a much smaller range between the 2 extremes.