Saturday, July 2, 2011

Dirty Sexy Demonology

Do you ever find yourself feeling disenchanted by the inherent passivity and lack of sexiness of "lamestream" Christianity?  Ever wish you could do more to fight the forces of evil?  Sure, praying about it and hoping God will do something somehow at some point is nice and all but don't you ever wish you could do something more exciting, more dangerous, perhaps even something more... sexy than that?  Do you ever say to yourself, "Protestant Christianity is fine I guess but I sure do wish it could be more Medieval Catholicism!"? Well if you said yes to any of those questions then boy do I have a great product for you!

First, let me tell you the story of how I learned of this exciting branch of the Christian tree.  See back in my teenage years my parents decided to play host to a wayward youth pastor for a couple of months.  Now having a pastor under your roof 24/7 is less fun than it sounds but she did make up for it by occasionally telling the most amazing tales of her experiences battling teenage witches and warlocks.  Well technical term for shepherding young Satan worshipers (did you not know that's what all witches are?  Don't you just feel ignorant now!) back to the Christian fold is "deliverance ministry", but the way she told it sure sounded more like a battle to me.  A mage battle!  Since I was so fascinated by her tales she gave me a book to read called "He came to set the captives free" by Dr Rebecca Brown (MD).  To say that the contents of that book was "mindblowing" would be a massive understatement.  The story Dr Brown told was just totally unbelievable!  I mean really it is just like impossible to believe that such a story can be true!  (Except it totes was, because she's a Christian so you know she wouldn't fib and all that) It was like reading the script of the most awesome supernatural horror movie ever except it wasn't a movie - this shit was real!

Now over time me and the Charis-manic branch of Christianity had to go our separate ways due to irreconcilable differences (long story) and I kinda forgot about it until this week when this book featured in the excellent Prodigal Witch series over on Swallowing the Camel which you should totally read if you have any interest in the "former Satanist" phenomenon because it's awesome.  The blog that is, not the phenomenon.

Anyhoo, back to the good part.  As you can probably judge just by looking at the cover, "He came to set the captives free" introduces you to a darker and far more exciting version of Christianity.  Basically it takes normal, everyday, boring old Pentecostal Christianity and then strips out all the boring shit and then streamlines it into something sexier!  Don't worry, just because they threw out a lot doesn't mean they don't replace it with a ton of totally awesome extras!  When the dust settles you'll find that you got yourself some real old time religion.  I mean really, really old time religion.  Like a thousand odd years or so old.

I'll quickly get the boring part out of the way so I can tell you the juicy stuff.  Here is what happens in the book:  As a baby, little Elaine's soul gets sold to Satan by some evil nurses.  She grows up with lots of occult talent and then gets forcibly drafted into full blown Satanism at a religious camp a popular classmate tricked her into attending.  She takes to satanism like a duck to orange glaze and quickly rises through the ranks to eventually become the Bride of Satan.  That's not just a title either, she actually has a physical church wedding with Satan complete with honeymoon (Spoiler alert - the Prince of Darkness is a terrible lover!).  She has many awesome magical adventures in Satanism fighting against the forces of God until she runs into the right kind of Christian - Dr Rebecca Brown MD!  She then learns that Christianity is actually far more awesome, converts and has lots of magical adventures in Christianity fighting against the forces of Satan!  Now doesn't that just sound better than anything YOU have ever done in church?  Welcome to the wild world of Curse Theology!

It's like this but where one wizard ♥ Satan and the other one is way into Jesus.  Can you guess which one is which?

Forget everything you know, this is not your daddy's theology!  This is Christianity times awesome squared!  Let me break it down for you:

In the one corner we have your opponent, the demons.  You know how in the Bible possessed people are drooling, epileptic lunatics and how whenever Jesus or one of His followers told the demons to leave they just packed up and went?  Snoozeville, amarite?!  Well good news, turns out Jesus was holding out on you and in fact demons are awesome.  Turns out you can use intelligent demons to make yourself smarter or instead use lesser demons to enhance your physical abilities.  In the book for instance, Elaine uses demon power to become a deadly martial arts master!  Hold on to your hat though, because those are just the entry level demons!  Turns out demons can also enable you to do incredible magic - and I mean real magic, not lame David Blaine in a box magic - feats for both personal entertainment and practical self defense!  But wait there's more!  Are you sitting down?  Do you think werewolves are cool?  Of course you do!  Werewolves are awesome!  You know what is more awesome?  The fact that according to Rebecca Brown, demons can turn you into a real flesh and fur werewolf!  Also vampires but I feel Twilight made them lame so I'm not even going to bring that up.  Also these motherfucking demons don't just get out of the motherfucking person they're possessing just because you asked nice.  Oh no, these mofo's are going to put up a fight!  Hope you're ready!

In the other corner, there is you.  Now you may be feeling nervous because your enemy sounds totally awesome but that's only because Satanists and their demons totally are!  Never fear, you get to be even awesomer!  Pop quiz, a horde of satanists are astrally projecting themselves your way and they are bringing all their pet demons along, what do you fight back with?  No, the urine in your underwear won't prevent you from being torn limb from limb.  How about some effing ANGELS instead?!!  Because if you are good enough, God will totally lend you some and apparently those dudes kick sooo much satanic ass it's not even funny!  (Actually it may very well be funny because according to the book they do snarky wisecracks while they whoop demon ass!)  Don't worry though, it won't all come down to a game of creature summoning every time.  Turns out Christians can do all kinds of magic too when they need to.  Except it's not magic because magic is Satanic and therefore Christians don't use it.  They just use stuff that looks and sounds exactly like spells and ritual magic except it's completely different because they get their magic from Jesus.  It may seem daunting, but never fear, Dr Brown wrote a whole slew of books that will teach you all the spells and counterspells (or prayers, whatever) you need for both defense and offense against the forces of darkness.

Interested?  How could you not be?  All that usual Christian stuff about loving your neighbour like yourself and forgiving those who trespass against you and caring for the smelly homeless people is hard work and it's neither sexy nor cool.  On the other hand, having a theology that bears an uncanny resemblance to magic is super exciting and not that hard at all!  Let's face it, your life lacks excitement, your job doesn't seem that important and no one in your family appreciates you.  All of that changes when you get to be a front line warrior in the secret war between heaven and hell!  You can finally silence that annoying feeling that maybe you're a loser!  OK no one is going to appreciate you more and your job and life will still be meaningless and insignificant but deep down you will know that you are actually as cool as you always dreamed you could be!  Humility is for chumps, why not be a (secret) hero instead?  Curse theology, demons and the like is sooo sexy!  If you add some dirty sexy demonology to your life you can be sexy too!!

[Disclaimer:  Dirty Sexy Demonology only makes you feel sexy, doesn't actually make you sexy or cool.  Embracing Curse Theology and the teachings Satanic Panic teachings of Rebecca Browne and her ilk may instead lead to excess loneliness and friends and family spurning you for being "annoying as fuck" or "a chore to be around" (their words, not mine).  Don't worry, you don't need friends when you have delusions of spiritual grandeur and a sense of smug superiority!  The more people you drive away the more God loves you! ]


GumbyTheCat said...

And you know it's all true, because she's Rebecca Brown, MD!

Isn't this basically along the same lines as all the Harry Potter books that the wacko Christians have been railing against for years now? I guess it's OK to invoke yammer about magic as long as you sprinkle it with powdered Jesus.

I love your line Protestant Christianity is fine I guess but I sure do wish it could be more Medieval Catholicism!"? Too funny.

Eugene said...

Well I don't know if she can still call herself that since she was kicked out of the medical profession for malpractice but then again all that was probably just a satanic plot to undermine her credibility!!. By Satan!

It just gets hilarious at times, there is this one Crusader Comic (Jack Chick's comic book series) where they add a little disclaimer telling readers not to worry, the occult imagery in the book won't harm them because it needs to be three dimensional to work. What?!

GumbyTheCat said...

here is this one Crusader Comic (Jack Chick's comic book series) where they add a little disclaimer telling readers not to worry, the occult imagery in the book won't harm them because it needs to be three dimensional to work.

Maybe that's why taken invidually, the two-dimensional sheets of paper that make up the Bible aren't so bad. But bind them all together into one 3-dimensional book, and it becomes a powerful force for evil! Ha ha.

Eugene said...

Bibles don't kill people, people kill people!

S.M. Elliott said...

I love fundie cover art. They must think every Satanist owns a sword.

Eugene said...

But they do own swords! Eeeeeeeeeeeevil ones!