Monday, October 12, 2009

Deep Madness

Pop quiz:  You call yourself a Bible believing Christian.  You belong to a mainstream evangelical church and you have strong conservative values.  You are a family values kind of person who knows their right wing from their wrong.  You love nothing more than Jesus, Capitalism and Patriotism (though not necessarily in that order).  Just to reiterate, you are not in a fringe sect of some kind at all and furthermore you are very insistent that you base all your morals and values on a literal reading of the Bible.  Now, lets say you – the conservative, Bible based Christian – come across certain things in the Bible that doesn’t quite mesh with your ideas about society and politics.  Do you:

a) Change your political and societal ideas in order to be in line with Biblical teaching
b) Rewrite the Bible so that it better reflects your opinions

If you chose option a then you must be some kind of liberal, left-wing, baby killing, tree hugging, freedom hating, Nazi communist.  Well you are as far as the fine folks over at Conservapeadia are concerned at least, because these good Christian folks have decided to save us all from all that “liberal bias” the Bible seems to be full of.  Instead they are publishing a new improved Bible with all that liberal hippie nonsense removed.  Here are some of the problems with the Bible that desperately need fixing according to the Conservative Bible Project:

“Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”
Is this a liberal corruption of the original? This does not appear in any other Gospel, and the simple fact is that some of the persecutors of Jesus did know what they were doing. This quotation is a favorite of liberals but should not appear in a conservative Bible.”

"Socialistic terminology permeates English translations of the Bible, without justification. This improperly encourages the "social justice" movement among Christians.
For example, the conservative word "volunteer" is mentioned only once in the ESV, yet the socialistic word
"comrade" is used three times, "laborer(s)" is used 13 times, "labored" 15 times, and "fellow" (as in "fellow worker") is used 55 times."

Makes sense doesn’t it?  You can’t have all these loopy ideas about forgiveness and fairness and caring for the poor and destitute in the feakin Bible!  I mean surely waarglh baraaghe laaagne graaahgelaht…

OK, I’m sorry but try as I might I can’t really hope to ridicule this.  I like to think of satire as weaponized laughter and normally it is perfect for defeating bat guano insane wackaloons like these but this has gone way too far.  When they came up with The Conservative Bible Project they shattered the WTF-barrier and didn’t even slow down.  It is so ridiculous that I honestly don't think it can be ridiculed.  It’s officially beyond satire as there is nothing left to exaggerate or mock.

Poe's Law states:
“Without a winking smiley or other blatant display of humor, it is impossible to create a parody of Fundamentalism that SOMEONE won't mistake for the real thing.”

Methinks it would be fair to say that Poe’s Law has been demonstrated beyond reasonable doubt here.  This seems like the kind of thing you would read in The Onion but alas, this is really happening and it’s no joke.  Actual Christians have actually gone this far off the reservation.  I have been trying to come up with words to joke about it for weeks now but after a while it all just becomes gibberish as the absurdity of it all overwhelms me.  So since words fail me, I’ll have to resort to posting a picture of my WTF face:

 I think what gets to me is the fact that these people would most probably proudly state that Protestant Christianity is superior to Catholic Christianity due to the doctrine of Sola Scriptura.  These are probably the same people who denounce Mormons and Jehovah’s Witnesses for trumping the Bible with secondary writings.  The hypocrisy of it all astounds me!  How irony deficient do you need to be in order to call yourself “Bible believing” while you are altering the Bible?  How oblivious do you have to be to claim with a straight face that you base your opinions on Scripture while you are changing Scripture to fit your opinions?

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