Empty lament

I really miss knowing everything.  A decade or so ago you could have asked me anything and I would have had a clear, precise answer for you - no waffling, no maybe's, no if's or but's.  Be it God, Christianity, right, wrong, sin, politics, history or how the world works I knew the simple, obvious truths of it all.  What happened to me?  I thought you are supposed to become wiser with age.  I must have missed a turn somewhere because it seems to me that the older I get the less I understand.  The only thing I know now is that I don't really know much of anything.

Why is that?  Shouldn't I know a lot by now?  Why do I feel like I used to be full and now I am empty?  A lot has happened since the days when I knew everything about everything.  I have experienced joy and loss, hunger, death, disease, friendship, rejection, communion and loneliness.  These are the things that are supposed to make you wise aren't they?  I should really have a better grasp on the facts of life now than I ever did before.  Why do I have more questions than answers then?  For instance I used to think I understood being alone since I grew up alone and spent a lot of time alone but then I was locked in an isolation ward for 4 days - with no tv, radio, internet or any human contact except for when they shoved my food through the door - and suddenly I learned that I really didn't know a damn thing.  Four days is a long weekend, it's nothing, that's just a taste, what must true isolation be like?  Similarly, being sick and being poor just gave me enough of a glimpse to know that I know nothing of what those in severe poverty or with terminal illness go through.

So here I am, many years later.  Instead of everything I know nothing, instead of wise I feel foolish and instead of full I feel empty.  Where did I go wrong?

The Holy Darkness of Words

The people remained at a distance, while Moses approached the thick darkness where God was.

  Exodus 20:21

Then said Solomon, The LORD hath said that he would dwell in the thick darkness.

 2 Chron 6:1  

I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, who summons you by name.

Isaiah 45:3

"Remember when I moved in you; the holy dark was moving too, and every breath we drew was Hallelujah"[1]

Usually I’m not a very big fan of artists adding their own tweaks to classic songs but I make an exception for Rufus Wainwright.  When recorded his version of the Leonard Cohen classic Hallelujah and he changed the words “holy dove” to “holy dark” he gave me a name for something I have been struggling to put my finger on for years.

"I remember that time you told me
"Love is touching souls"
Surely you touched mine
'Cause part of you pours out of me
In these lines from time to time"[2]

Words.  They bring us joy and sorrow.  They fill us with rapture and disgust.  We use them, abuse them, learn them, rhyme them, we define and redefine them. We love (with) them and we hate (with) them.  They have so much power* and I have to wonder, do words serve us or do we serve them?  We may shape them but they shape us as well.  They are the stuff of our thoughts.  They are the hammers and chisels that carve our very souls.

"There's a blaze of light In every word
It doesn't matter which you heard
The holy or the broken Hallelujah"[1]

I suspect sometimes that words have a secret life of their own.  I know it sounds crazy but there are times when I listen to a song or read a piece of poetry or prose and I get the sense that the words are barely contained by paragraphs and punctuation.  They buckle and strain against their confinement, trying to break free, trying to take you deeper, show you more.  Sometimes they roll around your mind like snowballs, picking up thoughts and becoming ideas.  Sometimes they leave you with a sense of otherness, something hard to explain.  It’s like the words are bigger than they look.  They seem to show you something just outside your field of vision, something you can just glimpse through the corner of your mind’s eye.  You can’t really name it, you can’t really explain it but its there and it’s transcendent and big and very real and somehow unreal at the same time.

"I've always felt consumed by an air as thick as fever
All the way through my childhood
Even today your birthmark burns
In a sunshine haze you stay vulnerable"[3]

So I guess calling it the holy dark is as good a term as any.

"I am elated in the twilight"[3]

There are many examples of times it seemed like there was something bigger behind the mere words.  Sometimes it took a bit of life experience to get it.  The Counting Crows have all these profound sounding lyrics that on closer inspection must be in-jokes (or just nonsense) because they make no rational sense.  But the song Long December suddenly made sense to me with my mom’s long illness, especially the line that talks about “the smell of hospitals in winter, and the feeling that it’s all a lot of oysters but no pearls”.  What does that mean?  I can’t tell you exactly.  And yet on some level that makes complete and utter sense to me now.  It resounds with me on a level I cannot quite express.  Similarly, I can’t tell you why the lines from Book of Love that goes:

“The book of love is long and boring
and written very long ago
it’s full of flowers and heart-shaped boxes
and things we're all too young to know”[4]

I hear that last line and something inside me goes “Yes, that’s exactly right” but when I reply “What is?  What do you mean?” I find that I can’t answer me.  There is just something there, something almost tangible, something I almost understand.  It’s a holy darkness.  It’s nothing short of a numinous experience.

"The book of love has music in it
In fact that's where music comes from
Some of it is just transcendental
Some of it is just really dumb"[4]

Now I grant you that the evolutionary explanation for why we experience the numinous - namely that our ancestors who felt there was something out there (even when there wasn’t) tended to live longer than those who didn’t feel there was something out there (when oftentimes there were) - is a very plausible explanation.  But I can’t help but wonder if the reason we have a sense of the numinous could instead be because our species grew up around the numinous, because there truly was something wholly other around us from our infancy – a seldom glimpsed mystery we could only reach for but never truly grasp.

"And even though It all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah"[1]

This is one of the reasons why, for all my love of reason and rationality, for all my skepticism, I’m still a believer.  Try as I might, I simply cannot shake the conviction that there is something greater than myself, greater than us all out there.  I can’t tell you exactly why but that’s the holy dark sense that some words leave me with.






* George Orwell (in the brilliant and dreary Nineteen eighty four) suggested that he who controls the words control all – because if you cannot word it you cannot think it (and even if you could manage you could never express it) – something I find utterly profound and incredibly frightening.

[1] Hallelujah - Leonard Cohen / Jeff Buckley / Rufus Wainwright (Pick your favourite version)
[2] A case of you - Tori Amos (The cover far surpasses the original IMHO)
[3] In the Twillight - aKing
[4] Book of love - Peter Gabriel (Again, not the original artist but my favourite version)

Fact vs Truth

I recently had the pleasure to see made for TV version of Terry Pratchett's Hogfather.  Sure, it wasn't as good as the book but adapting a Pratchett book for the screen will always be a daunting task and if you ask me they did a pretty good job.  If you are a fan of Terry Pratchett but you haven't read The Hogfather - basically the plot revolves around the Auditors of Reality hiring the Assassins Guild to kill The Hogfather and Death stepping in to help save him.  If you haven't read The Hogfather and you don't know Terry Pratchett's work - well honestly I wouldn't even know where to begin catching you up.  Go read the Discworld novels, they are brilliant and they will make you laugh so hard you'll probably pee a little.  However they are not just funny, they are just as often quite profound.

After watching this I was especially struck by a conversation at the end of the story between Death and his granddaughter Susan:

“All right,” said Susan. “I'm not stupid. You're saying humans need... fantasies to make life bearable.”
REALLY? AS IF IT WAS SOME KIND OF PINK PILL? NO. HUMANS NEED FANTASY TO BE HUMAN. TO BE THE PLACE WHERE THE FALLING ANGEL MEETS THE RISING APE.
“Tooth fairies? Hogfathers? Little-“
YES. AS PRACTICE. YOU HAVE TO START OUT LEARNING TO BELIEVE THE LITTLE LIES.
“So we can believe the big ones?”
YES. JUSTICE. MERCY. DUTY. THAT SORT OF THING.
“They're not the same at all!”
YOU THINK SO? THEN TAKE THE UNIVERSE AND GRIND IT DOWN TO THE FINEST POWDER AND SIEVE IT THROUGH THE FINEST SIEVE AND THEN SHOW ME ONE ATOM OF JUSTICE, ONE MOLECULE OF MERCY. AND YET-- Death waved a hand. AND YET YOU ACT AS IF THERE IS SOME IDEAL ORDER IN THE WORLD, AS IF THERE IS SOME... SOME RIGHTNESS IN THE UNIVERSE BY WHICH IT MAY BE JUDGED.
“Yes, but people have got to believe that, or what's the point---“
MY POINT EXACTLY.
She tried to assemble her thoughts.
THERE IS A PLACE WHERE TWO GALAXIES HAVE BEEN COLLIDING FOR A MILLION YEARS, said Death, apropos of nothing. DON'T TRY TO TELL ME THAT'S RIGHT.
“Yes, but people don't think about that,” said Susan. Somewhere there was a bed...
CORRECT. STARS EXPLODE, WORLDS COLLIDE, THERE’S HARDLY ANYWHERE IN THE UNIVERSE WHERE HUMANS CAN LIVE WITHOUT BEING FROZEN OR FRIED, AND YET YOU BELIEVE THAT A... A BED IS A NORMAL THING. IT IS THE MOST AMAZING TALENT.
“Talent?”
OH, YES. A VERY SPECIAL KIND OF STUPIDITY. YOU THINK THE WHOLE UNIVERSE IS INSIDE YOUR HEADS.
“You make us sound mad,” said Susan. A nice warm bed...
NO. YOU NEED TO BELIEVE IN THINGS THAT AREN'T TRUE. HOW ELSE CAN THEY BECOME?"

I often like to ponder life's big questions (sometimes even without beer!).  Questions like:  Do things happen for a reason or do they happen due to random chance? Do I have a purpose in life or is the universe ultimately devoid of meaning and purpose?  After listening to that conversation I think I finally know the answer.  The answer is: Yes.

It's strange how sometimes things manage to be astoundingly complex and stunningly simple all at the same time.  But that's what you get when you put people in a universe.  Thanks to people, the truth is sometimes bigger than the facts.  Surely if the universe had no people in it, it would contain nothing but facts.  Alas, it does have us and so instead it is filled with so much more.  It is quite an amazing talent we have, something so amazing it's hard to not be utterly amazed by it and yet...  And yet somehow we don't even seem to notice it at all.  We can take random chance and give it meaning.  We can take the cruelty of an indifferent universe and craft it into purpose.  Can we not see what a miracle it is when we turn accident and tragedy into something deeply meaningful?  When we take the senseless and force it to make sense?  When instead of settling dutifully under the yoke of happenstance and coincidence like every other creature we instead reshape it and make it work for us?  Who else in all of creation can even dream of doing as we do?

See that is why I have no problem believing that the tale told in Genesis is true.  I don't think it is factual though - I in no sense believe the world was made as is 6000 years ago complete with dinosaur fossils to fool the heathen scientists.  Yet who can watch humanity craft nothing into something and salvage beauty out of tragedy and still not comprehend that we are made in the Image of God?

Well I guess I know the answer to that too - we can.  Humans are hands down the strangest beings in existence.  We are bursting at the seams with awesome majesty and yet somehow we manage to become bored.  Bored!  Can you imagine that?!  We can behold, understand and create beauty and splendour far beyond the dreams of anything else that breathes and yet we can content ourselves with sleepwalking through our brief lives.  We can dream so much bigger than lives we know and yet we can satisfy ourselves with scraps of mediocrity.  I think the fact that we even manage to use the term "self fulfilling prophecy" as a derogatory term is mind-blowing!!  What madness is this?!  We can imagine a possible future for ourselves and then make it happen and then somehow manage to snort at the very idea of it - as if it were some trifling thing!! 

Therefore, to our storytellers, our poets, our singers and our artists.  To our dreamers, our planners, our thinkers and philosophers.  To everyone who can look at that which is not true and turn it into truth (or at the very least convince us that it could become true).  To all who remind us that we are so much more than we think we are.  To those who show us that what doesn't destroy us can indeed make us stronger.  To everyone who turns randomness into purpose and  to those who make the meaningless mean something.

Thank you.  Thank you for creating the true, the beautiful and the wonderful where once it was not, for reminding me that everything that isn't but should be, can be.  Thank you.

The photos are of graffiti by Banksy on the Israeli West bank barrier and Bethlehem.  I think his art shows the juxtaposition of facts and truth far better than I could ever hope to.

Defeating the Devil's Music! (A How-to guide for aspiring Anti-Rock Crusaders)

Reading some recent articles* on The Slacktivist regarding Good Fight Ministries (GooFi Ministries if you want to be cool) sure brought back some fond childhood memories.  It warmed the cockles of my heart to see that there are still some good people out there, boldly informing us all that Rock ‘n Roll is the Devil’s music!  I
remember that while I was growing up we in South Africa had the good fortune of having a man by the name of Rodney Seale around to tour our schools and churches to save us from the perils of Rock ‘n Roll decadence.  I even had his book (sadly I no longer have it) which explained in detail how every band from ABBA to ZZ Top was in fact irredeemably rotten.  More importantly it revealed that Rock music was in fact an EVIL CONSPIRACY (of horrible evil) designed to unleash sex, drugs and SATAN on a complacent world.  Ah yes, good times. (Why yes, growing up as a premillenial dispensationalist fundamentalist was indeed a non-stop funfest, why do you ask?)

Alas, the world of now seems to be sadly deficient in quality Anti-Rock Crusaders.  There just aren’t enough people out there warning the children (somebody please think of the children!!) that all this “heavy music” is actually from SATAN!!  So then as a public service (for the children!!), I have decided to condense my decades of listening to criticism about rock music into a handy, easy to follow toolkit.  My hope is that these pointers, along with a good book about the perils of rock and a relevant look, will enable more people to save the precious children from evil music.

Goldmine Oldies
So you want to be an Anti-rock Crusader?  Well then memorize these 3 letters:  ABR – Always Be Relevant.  You have to know the kids, you have to look like them, speak their language and use terms like “the kids” and “speak their language”.  So once you have your torn, whitewashed jeans, your one earring (remember – left is right but right is wrong!) and your long hair/ponytail/mullet/giant perm you are ready for some serious relating!  Feel free to ignore any artist currently in the charts, they’re hardly relevant now are they?  You know who you should be focusing on instead?  The Beatles, that’s who!  Kids today are really really really into The Beatles, Led Zeppelin, Elvis Presley, Black Sabbath and Little Richard so be sure to focus most of your energy on these guys.  As an added bonus, you can find tons of info on these guys by Anti-rock Crusaders from decades past so all the hard research work has already been done for you!!  Now you can really reach out effectively to all those teenagers with their long hippie hair, bean bags and lava lamps!  Want to really get your relevance on?  Read up on Alistair Crowley and Timothy Leary.  See that look of utter incomprehension on their faces?  That’s right, its because they have trouble grasping just how you managed to become this clued up and relevant!  You’re welcome!

Irony:  Threat or Menace?
Trust me, you will never amount to much as an Anti-rock Crusader if you know what irony is.  The key to success is severe irony deficiency.  It’s a little known fact that rock groups never actually put on an “act” or adopt “persona's” for artistic purposes – its actually all true.  If there is anything remotely occult seeming/sounding about a band that’s because they sold themselves to SATAN!  Always believe everything you hear (with one exception, see below) and remember the golden rule – you can never be too credulous.

The Jesus/lie – Satan/true rule
While you should most certainly take everything you hear in a rock song at face value there is one exception – any mention of God/Christianity.  It’s pretty simple.  All rock musicians work directly for SATAN – we already know this.   Therefore we can be 100% certain that any mention of THE DEVIL in music should be taken as 100% factual.  You know that song “The Devil went down to Georgia”?  True story!  On the other hand any positive message, any mention of God or Jesus and every good thing in every rock song ever must be false.  Its all part of their EVIL CONSPIRACY (of terrible evil) to lull you to sleep and infiltrate your home and drink all your beer fruit juice.  Don’t think for a second that those so called “Christian” Rock bands are exempt here.  They work for SATAN too!!!  Don’t believe me?  Well then check out this Chick tract, it will explain it all.  Still don’t believe me?  Fine then, keep listening to “Christian Rock” but don’t come crying to me when your kids start wearing black and your dog and cat start living together!

Desperately seeking Satan
Time for me to lay some hard truth on you – it's not always going to be easy to show the kids that Rock ‘n Roll is indeed the Devil’s music.  Sadly not all bands can have names like “Black Sabbath” and not all artists will have songs like “Father Lucifer” or “Sympathy for the Devil”.  No my friend the work of an Anti-Rock Crusader can’t be all downhill.  Sometimes you have to work at it.  There will be days were you have to comb through songs and media clippings for literally an hour before you find something you can twist use to make your point.  Lucky for you my brave Crusader-in-training, musicians tend to write more wacky lyrics than you can shake a very large stick at so you are pretty much guaranteed to find something.  Look for instance at this weird lyric by Tori Amos from her song Spark: 

“If the divine master plan is perfection
Maybe next I’ll give Judas a try “

Clearly this means she is a Judas Priestess because that is a real thing that totally exists!  Also if you fail to make a compelling case with the next line:  “Trusting my soul to the ice cream assassin” well then you may not be cut out for this line of work.

Creative Truthing
When it comes to the business of saving souls from hellfire you should not let insignificant things like “facts” or “reality” bog you down.  After all we are talking about the immortal souls of the children here!  So if I may paraphrase the great sage Adam Savage, you should feel free to reject reality and substitute your own.  Please, think of the children.  For instance when you point out to the kids that the super satanic band U2 once did the song “Helter Skelter” as an act of worship for Charles Manson, you would be wise to skip the opening part where Bono (you know you can’t trust anyone who is into world peace and feeding the hungry – that’s what the Antichrist is into!!) says “This is a song Charles Manson stole from the Beatles. We're stealing it back.”  In cases like these the facts will only muddy the issue.  Remember, it’s not lying if you are doing it to save souls!

From Spellbound by Jack T. Chick

Fun with backward masking.
Remember that time you listened to “Another one bites the dust” by Queen and you were overwhelmed by the sudden urge to smoke marijuana?  You don’t?  Well clearly you are mistaken because we all know that's totally what happens!  Stop lying to yourself!  You know why that happened?  Backwards masking, that’s why!  See bands like Queen insert subliminal messages into their songs (backwards!!) and so force innocent Christian kids to do things they never would do otherwise.  Sure, you need a little bit of imagination to actually hear it.  Sure, you could go record the words “Another one bites the dust” right now and when you play it backwards it will sort of sound like “its fun to smoke marijuana” (well with a little imagination it will).  Once again this is one of those times when reality is only going to slow you down.  Trust me, these backwards messages are there on purpose and despite all the studies that show that subliminal messages doesn’t actually influence squat they totally do!  Besides, even if the messages don’t have any effect while backward, you can be sure that kids play their records in reverse all the time!  What’s that?  You think “compact disks” or “CD’s” don’t work that way?  HA!  Clearly you fell for the LIES of the commie liberal media!  It totally does work that way.  It just has to.


*  If you want to read what The Slacktivist had to say about GooFi Ministries and especially about their massively dishonest treatment of U2, the articles are:
"Satan's Strategy (part 1)
GooFi videos
Vincible FooFiness