How to make Jack Chick's head explode.

I have a theory about Jack Chick.  I think he lives in a bunker somewhere deep underground and has been for decades.  I don't think he ever comes out of his hole, he probably just has everything delivered.  Could this be true?  I don't know for a fact, but it certainly would explain a lot about his tracts.  People in his tracts don't act or talk the way that people in the real world do.  It's not even close.  You really have to be completely and utterly isolated from reality to believe his tracts are connected with the real world in any way. 

Then again, a bunker doesn't have to be physical...  As a young, sheltered, small town Christian boy, I lived in the social and mental equivalent of an underground bunker so Mr Chick's tracts seemed totally plausible to me.  I devoured every single one (our church had a tract table) and they provided me a terrifying window into the apparently nightmarish world that existed just outside my walls.  I'm ashamed to admit how much of my worldview came from Chick tracts at one time but in my defense, I was young and impressionable and no authority figure in my life ever gave me the impression that these were anything but factual.  Now I liked to imagine that over time I've purged myself of "Chick facts" and replaced those with actual, true facts but it's a long process.  After all, we're talking about a veritable mountain of bullshit here!  For instance, here are some of the things he taught me about Catholics:

• Catholicism is a false religion invented by the devil himself in order to enslave the world.
• Catholics were secretly behind everything from the birth of Islam to the Nazis and the Communists.
• The Pope is a false Christ and the final pope will actually be the Antichrist.
• Catholics are at best deluded and hell-bound and at worst actively conspiring with Satan to destroy REAL Christianity.
• The poor deluded Catholics don't know how lost they are because they never actually read the Bible (they're not allowed) otherwise the truth would just be staring them in the face!
• Catholics are all about worshiping a false Christ and a pagan, false goddess.

This was all pretty easy to believe since I didn't know any actual Catholics so I ended up believing all of this for quite a long time.  However there is one thing about Catholics so terrible that Mr Chick includes it in every single tract about Catholicism -  Transubstantiation.  For the theologically ignorant, basically that means the bread and wine literally becomes the blood and body of Christ during communion.  Literally.  Yes I'm using that word correctly.  Anyway, Chick spills a lot of ink attacking this practice (there is a whole tract dedicated to nothing but transubstantiation) so I'm just going to give you some of it straight from the source:

From:  Are Roman Catholics Christians?

From: The Death Cookie

Got all that?  Catholics all believe that the wafer is literally Christ because they fear going to hell and also the Pope will have them executed if they dare disagree (remember, the Pope secretly runs the world and has the power to do anything).  According to Jack Chick, these are all real true facts that you should believe because they are totally true.  OK, with that in mind, watch this clip from a recent Colbert Report:

           

The Colbert Report
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Ever seen one of those old Science Fiction movies where the protagonists are up against an unbeatable robot/computer foe?  Usually the brave heroes triumph by presenting the robotic mastermind with a simple paradox which causes the otherwise flawless machine to break down spectacularly and explode.  Well, here we have a Catholic going on the nationally televised television program of another Catholic to talk about the book he wrote that disagrees (among other things) with the doctrine of transubstantiation.  It gets really fun when they start debating scripture and quote the Bible which (as Catholics) they have never read because that is not allowed on pain of death.  Just like disagreeing with transubstantiation.  Strangely enough, last I checked neither Gary Wills or Stephen Colbert have been burned at the stake by the Vatican Inquisitors.

How is that head feeling Jack?

To Everything there is a Season

Dear Jackie,

I know you will never be able to read this but I still need to say it.  Since it’s Valentines Day, I just really want to say, I love you.  Even though you’re often annoying and smelly, even though you are toxically flatulent and even though I’m pretty sure you gave me fleas once, I still love you.

The thing is though, are you really mine to love?  I don’t know how you see our relationship but as far as we humans are concerned, dogs are property.  We own you.  You belong to us.  I don’t know if that’s offensive to you or if you even care but that’s mostly academic, I’m just telling you how it is.  And this is where the problem comes in.  I don’t actually own you.  Even though I feed you and give you baths and play with you and even though you sleep in my bed every night you’re not technically my dog.  Make no mistake, I love you just as if you were.  But you’re not, and that might become a problem really soon…

I don’t know what your memory is like, your brain seems really tiny so I have no idea how much you actually remember.  Just in case you need a refresher, when you were a puppy, the kids of this house bought you for their mother, who was very sick with cancer at the time.  She died not long after and then a little later the kids moved out of the house and got on with their own lives, leaving you with their widowed dad.  I know you like him, probably because he feeds you whatever you ask for (even though I’ve been trying really hard to get him to stop doing that!) but still, he never really played fetch with you and his idea of petting you is to poke at you with his foot for a bit.  So then when I moved in we got along great.  Even though I only feed you dog food, at least I didn’t mind playing with a ball and rubbing your belly!

It’s been several years now and I think of you as my dog.  Even though technically, you’re not mine.  If you were, I certainly wouldn't have named you Jackie!  Also, I would never have let you get this badly overweight.  OK, you know what?  I can’t keep dancing around this forever, I’m just going to tell you.  Remember when all Oom Eddie’s children and grandchildren came over the other day?  Well those kids who bought you originally think you should be put to sleep.

Did you know that in 2 months you turn 14?  That is really old for a Dachshund!  Anyway, they look at how old you are and how, well lets be honest, how fat you are and decided that you would probably be better off dead.  For the record, I disagreed strongly!  I told them that you still had a lot of life left in you and that they should leave you alone.  I think they will.  For now.  Something tells me they weren’t completely convinced.  They seem really set on the idea of putting you to sleep and getting their dad a new puppy for company.


But now I wonder, am I being selfish?  I look at you and I still see the light in your eyes and I think you have some life left to live.  But how is that life?  I really wish you could tell me.  Those weird bumps that appeared on your ribcage, do they bother you?  When you lick your paws, is it just because you compulsively lick everything or do they hurt now?  How is your back coping?  Thinner, younger Dachshunds than you have had their backs give out.  You may be dumb as a box of hammers but you are tough as nails my sweet sausage, I know that.  I've seen you take a lot without making a peep so how can I know how you really feel?  I'm definitely pro-euthanasia.  I wish it was an option for me actually!  No, really, I've seen what old age and degenerative diseases can do to people and if it came to that for me, I would like someone to put me to sleep.  Yet, when you smile at me I find I'm suddenly not so pro-euthanasia anymore.  Is that selfish?  I just don't want to think of my life without you right now.

Usually when I blog about you, it's to make fun of you and your quirky, suicidal ways.  But today is a day for love so I wanted to just say it, even if you can never hear it.  I hate that now that love is tinged with sadness.  I don't know how long you're still going to be around, I wish it could be many more years but I know that's not really possible.  Just know that if you were my dog I would have named you something more appropriate but I would have loved you no less.

Happy Valentines Day.

Intro to Voldemorting

How do you feel about Reality TV stars?  Just for the sake of clarity, when I say Reality TV stars, I'm not referring to the contestants of So You Think You Can Dance or American Idol.  No, I'm referring to that special breed of "star" who became famous for being a terrible person on TV, not because of any actual talent or useful ability.  You know the ones, the "famous for being famous" people.  They're not celebrities because they are smart or funny or in any way gifted, they're celebrities simply by virtue of being on TV, doing dumb shit and being gross.  How do you feel about those people?

If you're a big fan (and due to the baffling popularity of these shows, I have to assume that a lot of people are) then you may as well leave now.  This isn't addressed to you.  If you think they're awesome and you can't get enough of them close this page and go watch some more TV.  I know I won't be able to change your mind so I'm not even going to try.  Let's just agree to disagree.

If on the other hand you share my distaste of these revolting pseudo-celebrities then I would love to run something by you.  See if you're anything like me then you hate these people and everything they represent.  They're destroying good TV as more and more quality shows are cancelled and replaced with a litany of increasingly moronic "reality" shows.  More than that, they seem to be actively ruining society.  Kids don't want to grow up to become doctors or astronauts, they want to grow up to be famous.  Not famous for being a great author or musician, just famous.  Really, who can blame them, seeing as how fame and fortune can result from not wearing underwear in public or taking a drunken shit in public.  In all of human history, has there ever been a worse group of role models?  And make no mistake, these people are role models.  When teenage girls are getting knocked up so they can be on TV, something has gone horribly wrong.  "Reality TV star" shouldn't even be a thing and yet it's become a viable career for many - going from one show to the next, then the all stars reunion show followed by a televised trip to rehab and/or therapy followed by another starring role in their own personal spinoff show.

These people upset me to no end so I rarely miss the opportunity to point out how much I hate them and how much they suck and of course I lap up all the embarrassing news items about them I can find just for a good shot of schadenfreude.  However, this was a huge mistake on my part for it meant that I was actually part of the problem!

In a recent episode of the Dongtini podcast, Simone pointed out that if you're talking and reading about these "stars", you're actually aiding & abetting them.  She was completely right of course.

These bottom feeders are literal attention vampires.  They don't just crave attention, they NEED attention.  The incredible lengths they are willing to go to in order to get it makes it abundantly clear that they don't care if you're watching them out of love or hate - they only care that you're watching.  There is nothing so awful, so inhuman and so degrading that they will not do it for 5 extra seconds of airtime or one extra mention in the media.  So even if you're just watching it to make jokes at their expense, they're still getting exactly what they want.

Simone's idea is sheer genius in its simplicity.  Attention is their lifeblood.  By paying attention you're keeping them alive.  So stop it.  Stop it all.  Don't talk about them, don't mention them in any way.  Don't follow stories about them, don't forward any info about them, don't even click on a link connected to them in any way.  It's as simple as that.  I call this Voldemorting*.  Voldemorting is when you deprive someone terrible of power by refusing to speak their name.  Have you noticed that in this entire blog post I've never mentioned any of the reality stars by name?  That's me Voldemorting!

So if you dislike these people and their destructive influence on society, why not do something about it?  Complaining doesn't help, they want that!  The only thing they fear is your indifference so go ahead and heap it on them!  You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.  There are still plenty of otherwise talented celebs to make fun of if you need your schadenfreude fix, just don't let these bottomfeeders into your orbit.  If we all do it we will be rid of them for good and if only you do it then at least you won't have to hear about them.  So spread the word, what do you have to lose?

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*My only contribution to this idea was the silly name.  If you don't like it, by all means call it something else but please still do the thing!

A Rough Guide to the City of Tshwane Bus Services

There is only one thing you need to know about the bus services in Pretoria and that is that the busses do not run on fossil fuels.  No, the Tshwane Bus Services run their buses on nothing but despair and anguish.

For commuter convenience, here are the simple steps to using the City of Tshwane Buses:

Step 1 - Arrive on time for your bus

Step 2 - Start waiting

Step 3 - Keep waiting while your stress levels build

Step 4 - Keep waiting until your stress turns into hopelessness

VERY IMPORTANT:  You cannot cheat at Step 4.  Trying to fake despair will do you no good.  Only absolute, soul crushing despair will do the trick.  To aid you in this, the City of Tshwane Bus Service is willing to make you wait as many hours as it take for you to lose all semblance of hope and joy.

Step 5 - Once you are nothing but a shell of your former self, your proud dreams but a distant memory and you have fully surrendered to the perpetual anguish of your pointless kafka-esque existence, THEN and only then shall a bus appear.

Step 6 - Pay for the privileged of being squeezed into a poorly ventilated box with a horde of other lost souls.  Some of your fellow travelers will respect neither your personal space or the basic principles of personal hygiene.  As a small mercy you will be well past caring while you ponder instead your meaningless existence in a cruel and spiteful universe.

Step 7 - Reach your destination, your spirit broken, your mind numbed and your body vaguely aching in places it really shouldn't...

WARNING!  At no point during the journey should you attempt to cheer up!  Remember, the bus requires your misery as fuel.  If there is a lack of misery on the bus there is a very good chance that it will break down in the middle of nowhere, a long long way from your destination.  Consider that a lesson.

They say all men must acknowledge the existence of a higher power.  If this is something you have trouble with, may I suggest taking the bus?  It will make a believer out of you.  The City of Tshwane is a vast, cruel and fickle being and you are but its plaything.  You will believe and then you will know true despair.  Your pitiful shouts of protest are but a squeak in a thunderstorm.  You are powerless and you are small.  Thus humbled you will finally know the truth - that you are but a microscopic cog in an infinitely large and ineffectual machine.  Give up hope now and the mocking laughter of the universe will hurt less later on.

Monday Frankenstein Post

Behold!  My terrible and frightening blog post, stitched together from the words of others!!

"Whereas, the having slaves taught to write, or suffering them to be employed in writing, may be attended with great inconveniences; Be it enacted, that all and every person and persons whatsoever, who shall hereafter teach or cause any slave or slaves to be taught to write, or shall use or employ any slave as a scribe, in any manner of writing whatsoever, hereafter taught to write, every such person or persons shall, for every such offense, forfeit the sum of one hundred pounds, current money."

(Excerpt from South Carolina Act of 1740)

"That all meetings or assemblages of slaves, or free negroes or mulattoes mixing and associating with such slaves at any meeting-house or houses, &c., in the night; or at any SCHOOL OR SCHOOLS for teaching them READING OR WRITING, either in the day or night, under whatsoever pretext, shall be deemed and considered an UNLAWFUL ASSEMBLY; and any justice of a county, &c., wherein such assemblage shall be, either from his own knowledge or the information of others, of such unlawful assemblage, &c., may issue his warrant, directed to any sworn officer or officers, authorizing him or them to enter the house or houses where such unlawful assemblages, &c., may be, for the purpose of apprehending or dispersing such slaves, and to inflict corporal punishment on the offender or offenders, at the discretion of any justice of the peace, not exceeding twenty lashes."

(Excerpt from Virginia Revised Code of 1819)

"To avoid arousal more generally, women were instructed to get plenty of fresh air, avoid stimulating pastimes like reading and card games, and above all never to use their brains more than was strictly necessary.   Educating them was not simply a waste of time and resources, but dangerously bad for their delicate constitutions.  In 1865, John Ruskin opined in an essay that women should be educated just enough to make them practically useful to their spouses but no further.  "

(At Home by Bill Bryson, Chapter 15)

"Women's present education is entirely irrelevant to the life they have to lead. It is not only a waste but often a definite disability" 

(Report of the University Education Commission, Government of India, 1948–49, Vol. (i), Chapter XII, pp. 401)

"In fact, only in modern times have women dreamt of going to university, but the idea has now become so normal that even Catholics, whose Faith guards Nature, may have difficulty in seeing the problem. However, here is a pointer in the direction of normalcy: any Catholic with the least respect for Tradition recognizes that women should not be priests - can he deny that if few women went to university, almost none would wish to be priests? Alas, women going to university is part of the whole massive onslaught on God's Nature which characterizes our times. That girls should not be in universities flows from the nature of universities and from the nature of girls: true universities are for ideas, ideas are not for true girls, so true universities are not for true girls."

("Girls at University" by Bishop Williamson, 2001)

"In my experience, the real problem isn’t simply a failure on the part of Evangelicals to engage the world of thought. Evangelicals earning higher degrees and publishing their findings in the wider intellectual community isn’t what’s needed.

The real scandal of the Evangelical mind is that we are not allowed to use it.

Calling for Evangelical involvement in public academic discourse is useless if trained Evangelicals are legitimately afraid of what will happen to them if they do.

A more basic need is the creation of an Evangelical culture where the exercise of  the Evangelical mind is expected and encouraged.

But, with few exceptions, that culture does not exist. The scandal of the Evangelical mind is that degrees, books, papers, and other marks of prestige are valued–provided you come to predetermined conclusions."

(The Deeper Scandal of the Evangelical Mind: We Are Not Allowed to Use It, Peter Enns)

Be very afraid of those who do not want you to think or those who are OK with you using your mind, but only up to a point.  No one who asks you to tells you that you're allowed to take your thoughts and reason so far but no further does it for your benefit.  This is something that is only done to create a whole class of easily controlled, easily manipulated, powerless people.  Don't let anyone do it to you.  I repeat, when someone is trying to take away your freedom of thought they are up to no good! 

Go where the truth takes you.  See how deep the rabbit hole goes.  You owe it to yourself.

Grrr, Arrgh.

Fear and Wonder

Hello internet friends!  It's been a while since I last wrote anything because I've been outside!  Not just outside but outside doing things!  With people!  People who have invited me to do so!  In the last month I've taken a cross country bus trip (twice), I've walked on a beach, drank white wine in the sun, drank red wine in the shade (mostly this, I don't do sun very well.  Also I prefer red), ate too much, gave a wedding toast, delivered a breakup letter, had some right wing meat and had a completely oblivious adventure with an starving tarantula.  Long story short, a good time was had by me!

Over the new year I filled in as an emergency house/dog/cat sitter for a couple of days.  That means that  while most people were getting too drunk to remember their new years resolutions, I got to spend a quiet evening with two very sweet animals.

Pure sweetness!

 Then, when many others were dealing with their first hangover of the new year, I got to watch a Dynamo: Magician Impossible marathon.



Now up to that point I was unaware of his existence but that marathon was a fantastic way to start a new year.  I enjoy being amazed.  Magic is great that way.  Normally I don't like being tricked but I make an exception for magic.  A good magic trick just fills me with a sense of childlike wonder and I don't even care to know how he did it.  I just enjoy being astounded.  When I say "Wow!  How did he DO THAT?!" I don't think I even really want to know how.  Knowing is cool too, but I mostly like seeing magic tricks for the sense of wonder it gives me.

Which is one more reason I am so happy to have left my crazy pentecostal past behind me.  See, growing up, I knew a lot of people who thought stage magic was real magic - and since real magic was demonic you can guess what that made stage magic!  This is kind of hard to do if you are Afrikaans because we don't even call stage magic "magic".  A magician is a "kulkunstenaar" which loosely translates to "trick artist" so the fact that it's just a trick is right there in the name!  Just to be clear, I'm not talking about children having naive beliefs here.  My college roommate insisted that David Copperfield used real magic in his tricks.  The pastor of my childhood church once participated in a trick with a magician* and afterwards he had a huge headache - which to him was a clear sign that demons where involved!

When everything is demons there can be no wonder, only fear.  Everything amazing must also be suspicious.  That's really a terrible way to live and I'm glad to be done with it.  The universe is filled with wonderful things but you can't see that if you believe there are demons everywhere trying to trick you somehow.  Science, magic, music, games, movies, tv shows, books - it's all suspect.  But not to me, not anymore!  I love amazement, I'm happy to to live in a world that far exceeds my comprehension!  It's exciting, not scary.

So this year, I'm going to choose wonderment over fear as much as possible.

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*Martino to be exact.  He was a famous South African stage magician.  In fact, I think it would be fair to say he was the most famous SA magician ever.  But this was in the 80's so I couldn't find anything of his online but news of his death...  That's Apartheid era fame for you!

Bride of Satan?

English is not my mother tongue, but I like to think of myself as rather proficient in it.  I don't mean to brag, I just think that it would be a fair assessment to say that I have a good grasp of the English language.  I have extra reason to be proud of my ESL skills today because it turns out I am much better at it than large numbers of my English speaking peers.

As I discussed in my previous post, the South African Council of Churches tried to prevent Lady Gaga from performing in South Africa.  The following message was spread by many concerned Christians via social media:

“Lady Gaga! Real name Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta.  She sold her soul to the devil for fame and fortune, suddenly having 8 million followers on Twitter, top selling artist and the top winner at the Grammys. This is clearly the devil at work!

Fellow believers in Christ Jesus, you may or may not know the seriousness of what I am saying now. We need to stand firm against the Lady Gaga concert. She is a self-confessed Satanist and the bride of Satan. Letting her into SA will bring spells of evil.”

For the moment, lets ignore the fact that we have people talking about "spells of evil" in the year 2012.  Instead I would like to draw your attention to the second last claim about her being a "self-confessed Satanist and the bride of Satan".  This very quickly became a meme amongst Christians opposing Lady Gaga.  Anytime an article about her was posted online, dozens of comments calling her a "self-confessed bride of satan" would suddenly show up.  For some, that claim wasn't enough going on to say things like:

"O and she not only confessed to be satans bride, she also said she is his nr 1 bride. If she isn hiding it I wonder why satans children are teying to hide it? Doesnt make any sense? Anyways deceit should be the order of the day when it comes to satan and his kingdom so maybe it makes perfect sense. What ever, not interested."  *

See, she's didn't only confess to being Satan's bride, she claims to be his Number One Bride.  That seemed like an odd thing to me since I consider myself pretty clued up on Gaga-facts and have never heard her confessing anything of the sort.  Heck, even Lady Gaga herself was kind of surprised by it.  So I decided to fact check this claim.  I figured it was probably something being taken out of context, seeing as how the good folks concerned with demonic influences in music tend to overlook things like subtlety, nuance, context, humour and theatricality.

This guy knows what I'm talking about!

So after an exhaustive search of the internet I found ... nothing.  Nothing at all.  This claim is not based on anything Lady Gaga said at any time.  Turns out this is one of those self sufficient internet rumours that people believe is true because other people are saying it's true.  The only places you will find Lady Gaga being a self-confessed bride of Satan (or number one bride) is in claims by concerned Christians that she is a self-confessed bride of Satan. 

Still, I was curious about where it all started.  Sure, absurd claims can live on the internet indefinitely, sheltered away from reality  for as long as the gullible can keep regurgitating and swallowing the same stupid claim.  However they have to come from somewhere originally and since it didn't come from anything Lady Gaga said, the question remained - where is this coming from?  Well according to Google Trends, this claim appeared only twice, right now and early 2011.  As near as I can tell, the source for this traces back to an anonymous email that was widely circulated at the time.  Here it is exactly as it showed up in my inbox back then (minus the random fonts and colours of course):

***

"The Song “Alejandro” by Lady Gaga.

Very subtly the devil sneaks into our lives to steal and destroy souls!

We don’t even realise that just by singing the lyrics of a seemingly ‘innocent’ song with a nice tune, we open the door wider for his evil spirit!!

‘Alejandro’ means: man’s defender and protector’ (GOD).
‘Fernando’ means: ardent for peace (JESUS).
‘Roberto’ means: bright or shiningly framed (HOLY SPIRIT).
‘Babe’ is the same as ‘child’

Now the lyrics again:

“Don’t call my name; don’t call my name, Alejandro(GOD).I’m not your child, i’m not your child, Fernando (JESUS). Don’t call my name; don’t call my name, Roberto (HOLY SPIRIT) Alejandro; Alejandro (GOD), Just let me go.”

People, please stop listening to Lady Gaga! Real name Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta. She sold her soul to the devil for fame and fortune, suddenly having 8 million followers on Twitter; top selling artist, and the top winner at the Grammys. This is clearly the devil at work!


 

Remember the images with her inside the egg carried on a cross? Hatching from an egg signifies the cold blooded rebirth. Implanted horns on her shoulders and cheek bone indicating the transformed BRIDE OF SATAN!

(Save a soul and pass this on)
I received it, and I’ve passed it on. The blood is off my shoulder…

SHARE PLEASE !"

***

   
That may be the most tortured exegesis I've ever seen.  So you take half the lyrics, translate the names then do a double logic backflip to somehow relate those names to the Trinity and then a song about a girl saying goodbye to her latin lovers becomes a confession of satanism.  Excuse my while I slam my head against the desk for a bit.

...

By this logic you can take the statement "I like apples" and turn it into an endorsement of witch burning.  Apples come from trees, trees are made of wood, we use wood for fires, fires were used to to burn witches THEREFORE when someone says "I like apples" they OBVIOUSLY really mean they enjoy seeing women burn at the stake.  Right?  Or maybe this kind of tortured analysis is bullshit and maybe things just mean what they appear to mean.

See this is the bit that makes me feel pretty good about my English Language reading comprehension skills.  I know what "self-confessed" means.  Pity though that none of the people passing on this rumor has the foggiest idea.  See, self-confessed means someone actually explicitly admitted to something.  For instance my blogging friend Ali is a self-confessed vegan as well as a self-confessed fan of Cabin Pressure.  I would also be within my rights to call my blogging friend Dasia a self-confessed fan of roller derby and Benedict Cumberbatch.  I know I am correct in saying this because if you were to go to their blogs you would find them admitting those very things!  I didn't have to analyze or infer or deduce much of anything, they flat out stated it.  On the other hand if I called them "self-confessed Olympic gold medalist transvestites"** that would be wrong because a) that is factually incorrect and b) they never said anything remotely like that!!!

Seriously people, I know the English language can be tricky at times, what with flammable and inflammable meaning the same thing and all, but come on!  Self-confessed is not a hard word or concept!  It pretty much means exactly what it says!  Surely the idea of things meaning what they appear to mean has not lost all meaning yet?  Words mean things.  They mean specific things.  They can't just mean whatever you'd like them to mean instead of what they actually mean.  Am I alone here?  Is everyone else taking crazy pills?!

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*This person is on my friends list so I happen to know that, contrary to his claims of not being interested, he would pounce on every possible opportunity to post this on any thread related to Gaga.  Repeatedly.
**Dear Ali and Dasia, if this accidentally becomes a meme I am really really sorry!